How to Overcome the Fear of Getting Help

Written by Justin Matthews, LGSW

I know I need to get help, but my fear, anxiety, and ego won’t let me.

Let me take a guess - you have done some research and you have decided on a couple of providers that may be a good fit to treat your mental health concerns. But now, here you are, staring at your phone - desperate, wanting so badly for the conversation to already be over, because the fear of calling is making it impossible to commit to the call. Maybe you visualize yourself freezing up, unable to get words out, or maybe you see yourself losing control on the phone and sounding like a fool. Or maybe your ego is stopping you from admitting that you need help, by screaming, “don't be such a pansy! Man up! There are people starving in Africa and you’re whining about your anxiety!?”

I have good news for you… you’re not crazy, you’re human.

The truth is, many of us (especially men) are terrified of making that initial phone call to request help. Our minds are excellent manufactures of automatic thoughts such as, “I can’t believe it’s come down to this.” Or “I use to be so normal, how could this happen to me!” These thoughts saturate our brains to the point of resisting help, because our thoughts often dictate our actions. Another point to consider is that our culture in the U.S. still stigmatizes mental health. We have made substantial progress in this area, but the stigma is still very relevant, which usually gets in our way of seeking therapy. So how do we do it? How does one overcome these obstacles to get help?? I’m here to tell you that it’s normal to be anxious. In the beginning stages of my anxiety Hell, I remember the day I was ready to make an appointment for therapy…it was after trying to “treat” myself for two years. However, once I had a therapist in mind and knew I wanted to work with this individual, I saw myself glaring at my phone and feeling the sensation of “freeze” and being fearful that I wouldn’t be able to speak or articulate enough information to the therapist. Because of this fear, I avoided the opportunity for weeks, which only fueled my anxiety and avoidance. Finally, I decided I need to do something about this. So how did I make it happen??

Radical Acceptance

I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired, I decided if I freeze up or if I wasn’t perfect with how I described my presenting problem to the therapist, I would be ok with that. In other words, I gave the anxiety and fear the space it needed (without judgement) while I made the call. I’m not gonna lie - I was anxious as hell! But, the interesting thing was, after about 30 seconds and 30 words out, my fear departed. I can’t guarantee this will happen for everyone, BUT, I can bet it will be easier for you once you begin your conversation. Remember this, your fear will most likely be more intense prior to the call, but once you have established communication, that fear will eventually dissolve - it may ebb and flow throughout the conversation, BUT, it will most likely be less intimidating.

MAKE THE CALL. Just do it - do it for yourself- it’s worth it.

Ready to get started with therapy?

Click here to schedule your free 15 minute phone consultation

Why Avoiding the Feeling of Anxiety Keeps you Feeling like $h!t!

Written by Justin Matthews, LGSW

Don’t worry, we’ve all done it - that is, tried to PUSH anxiety away.

Nobody likes the feeling of anxiety. For many, It may cause muscle tension, constant worry, scary thoughts and images, poor sleep, and hundreds of other physical symptoms that make it miserable to live under your own skin. So what do we do when this all shows up? We scramble to find the quick remedies that “fix” us or we drown ourselves in alcohol or other substances that curb the anxious experience. Our culture also doesn’t help because media companies saturate us with these quick fixes, such as: positive thinking techniques, marketing elixirs that are supposed to magically make anxiety disappear, or trying to sell you a magic bracelet that supposedly makes your anxiety go “poof.” Essentially what our culture says is that anxiety is bad and you need to make it go away!

Why experiential avoidance is the MAIN reason many of us continue to struggle with mental health symptoms.

Experiential avoidance (EA) is a term often discussed in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). EA occurs when an individual attempts to avoid troublesome thoughts, memories, physical sensations, feelings, and other internal experiences. When I was deep in my anxiety battle, I would often try to keep myself busy in order to avoid my anxiety. I rarely allowed time to relax because I was afraid that would be a perfect opportunity for my anxiety to attack! So I would excessively read, go on social media, or read/listen to literature on anxiety disorders - and because of my magical thinking skills, I thought this behavior would magically make my anxiety implode. Unfortunately, all these behaviors did was (you guessed it) make my anxiety WORSE. It wasn’t until I applied the strategies in ACT when I began to get my life back.

ACT argues that internal experiences (thoughts, feelings, etc.) are not the problem, but rather how we choose to respond to these experiences. When we make the conscious choice to label these experiences as bad, attempt to push them away or avoid them, or try to change our “irrational” thoughts - is when we begin to struggle and amplify our uncomfortable internal experiences. Steven Hayes, the founder of the ACT model has previously stated that the science is clear, the more one tries to avoid their internal experiences, the more we will suffer. So what do we do about it?

Opening up and facing our demons.

When we engage in numerous avoidance strategies with our uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, memories, and sensations, it can often help us in the short-term (relief from anxiety). However, we often feel doomed when these internal experiences show back up (and sometimes with a stronger punch!). So what can we do instead? ACT would say - open up and be more willing to feel all the feels, and most importantly - do this without judgement. The more willing we are to feel all of our experiences, the more likely these uncomfortable thougths, feelings, memories, and sensations will be likely to pass with time. It’s when we begin to try to fight off and label these experiences as “bad” that we discover they will be more likely to stick around. Additionally, when we try to get rid of these experiences, we are no longer engaging in activities that bring our life meaning, purpose, and joy, which only opens the door to more suffering. So the next time you have an unhelpful thought, memory, or physical sensation - try to look at the experience with compassionate curiosity, and gently open up to the experience without judgement. Lastly, try to be willing to carry these experiences with you as you carry on your day in a more valued direction. As you begin to practice this new strategy, you will begin to see that life can still be fulfilling - even when you allow your demons a free ride in your backseat. You will also begin to see that your internal experiences don’t have the “pull” they once had before.

If you are avoiding anxiety and want to begin therapy with State of Mind Therapy, click here to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation.

7 Mistakes I Made During My Anxiety Recovery

1. Hiding my anxiety from others

   The feeling of shame began to dominate my life once the anxiety became chronic. I didn’t want anyone to know that I had an anxiety disorder, because I had created a narrative in my head about who I was and how I wanted to be seen by others. Because of the fear of being rejected by society and possibly ruining my reputation, I decided to keep the anxiety my dirty little secret - which ultimately made my anxiety even worse.

2. Assuming that always “pushing through” anxiety was the ticket out of my anxiety

   I discovered the hard way that all of us need time to “rest and digest.” I often avoided this very important piece of self-care because I thought that taking time to binge on Netflix meant that I was lazy. The truth is, we all need to find our activities that allow our parasympathetic nervous system to engage so our nerves can take a rest.

3. Spending excessive amounts of time researching anxiety

   I can’t tell you how many books, blogs, YouTube videos, and podcasts I’ve listened to in order to “solve” my anxiety problem. The truth is, our mind is great at solving problems such as financial issues, maintenance repairs, etc., however, the mind is TERRIBLE at solving its own problems.

4. Engaging in reassurance seeking with my wife

   Reassurance seeking is a classic symptom of anxiety. The problem with this behavior is that it often mutes our anxiety worries in the short-term, but in the long game it never helps. Worries such as, “Did I damage my nervous system beyond repair?” or “Is there something else in my life that is causing this anxiety?” always seemed to return, even after obtaining reassurance from my wife. This behavior can also hinder your relationships with those you seek reassurance from for many reasons.

5. Framing anxiety as the enemy that I need to conquer

   When I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Social Anxiety, and Panic Disorder - I established a narrative in my mind (without even realizing it) that I now had an enemy to conquer - which lead to excessive research that I discussed earlier. I would also visualize myself beating up my anxiety, which would maybe help temporarily, but it always returned with vengeance.

6. Engaging in pseudo-science practices

   In the very beginning of my anxiety story, I decided to treat myself with “antidotes” that I found on the internet. One of the biggest mistakes I did was fall into the trap of practices that were not evidence-based treatments for anxiety disorders. I became enamored with practices like “The Law of Attraction,” which suggest through meditation, we can attract what we want in our lives through pure thought alone (for me it was to be anxiety free!!). Well, let me save you some time and just say…that shit doesn’t work.

7. Avoiding activities until I was “cured”

   Because of my fear of other people finding out about my mental health crisis, I unconsciously decided to avoid people and activities that I use to enjoy until I was “cured.” Unfortunately, this only made my life smaller, less joyful, less meaningful, and you guessed it - made my anxiety worse.

Hindsight is 20/20. We all make mistakes when we are going through something. What mistakes have you made while trying to recover from anxiety? Share them below so others can learn from you too.

I know first hand how hard it can be to live with anxiety, but recovery is possible. If you want help untangling from anxiety, schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation to get started.

Justin Matthews, LGSW

How to Overcome Panic Disorder

When panic strikes, it seems that the best way to get through is to get away from all the situations that are causing it. Some people have avoided caffeine, exercise, being around others, or shopping.

If you once enjoyed these things then you know first hand how panic can make your world small. (And if you are struggling with panic, we offer individual sessions that can help).

In order to effectively cope with panic, you must do the opposite of what the logical part of your brain wants you to.

The logical part of you tells you to stay away from the things that cause you to feel anxious and panic. But that only strengthens your fear to that situation. We have to paradoxically move towards the fear-not away from it.

Consider this example. Have you ever ridden on a segway? You know, those two wheeled vehicles that you are standing upright in?

About 5 years ago I was visiting Chicago with my husband and we went on a segway tour through the Hyde Park neighborhood. At the start of the tour, we were told how to ride this two-wheeler and given all the safety instructions. I was like...yea-yea, ok lets get on with this tour.

But then while we were on the tour, my segway caught speed. I was cruising past our group and the instructor started yelling at me "LEAN BACK!" I was terrified. I thought, "If I lean back, I'm going to fall backwards and hurt myself." It did not feel like the most intuitive way to prevent myself from crashing to the pavement.

But I kept leaning forward which made me go even faster. I could still hear the instructor in the distance. Eventually, I put trust in what he was telling me and leaned back. And sure enough, I got control of the segway.

So you see, this is similar to how we must approach panic. It doesn't make sense to go towards what makes us anxious when everything in our body screams "go the other way." It feels like we will lose control, die, or cause something horrific to happen.

But when we decide to trust that we should lean in to our fear, we regain control because we tell our brain that this is just a signal. We tell our brain that it feels like danger but we are safe.

If we don't move towards what makes us anxious, then we end up giving fear all of our strength and power.

So the next time you decide to look fear in the face, step into it with a fierce willingness to experience the discomfort (which is not the same as a white-knuckle approach) that shows up and be committed to sticking with it now matter what. I know it's not easy. Use the statements below to encourage yourself:

• “It’s OK to be anxious here.”

• “I won’t guard myself against anxiety.”

• “This is practice.”

• “I can tolerate uncertainty.”

How to Handle Uncertainty

All anxiety and worry is rooted in difficulty tolerating the unknown. If you struggle with anxiety, then you probably find yourself needing a lot of reassurance from others, needing to make excessive lists, double check your work, and even avoid people or situations.

Most people like to know things and don’t like uncertainty. But when you struggle with an anxiety disorder, it can seem like you almost have an “allergy” to uncertainty. You may have a strong emotional reaction to even small amounts of uncertainty.

Truth is, life is full of uncertainty. Nobody gets to know how others are perceiving us, how we will die, or if something bad happens.

If you struggle with tolerating uncertainty, you will want to make a deliberate effort to learn skills to strengthen your ability to “not know.”

To get better at tolerating uncertainty, try these tips:

• Eliminate the behaviors that take up your time and energy meant to get certainty (like eliminate googling answers or asking others for reassurance)

• Practice using uncertain self-talk such as: “I don’t know and that’s ok” or “whatever happens, happens.”

• Instead of being hard on yourself, try being more compassionate by saying “This is hard. Many people also struggle with ______________, I need to remember that it’s ok to not know everything and that I can handle problems that may come my way.”

• Set up challenges! Practice tolerating uncertainty by sending a work email without checking for spelling errors. Or go to a restaurant without reading the reviews.

• Work with a therapist that specializes in anxiety disorders. State of Mind Therapy has therapists skilled in helping people with actionable ways to work through anxiety. You can book a free 15 minute phone consultation here.

Featured on Mom's Dish MN Podcast about Managing Anxiety, Tips for an Easier Holiday Season and Tools for Finding the Right Therapist for You

I had the privilege of being featured on the Mom’s Dish MN Podcast to talk about anxiety. In this episode we discuss:

-Why I decided to become a therapist

-Why anxiety is on the rise

-Signs of anxiety in children and adults

-Common triggers for anxiety

-Finding therapy for anxiety

-Helpful tips for coping with anxiety and panic symptoms

-Tips for reducing stress and anxiety during the holidays

Check it out here!

[VIDEO] How to Effectively Treat OCD (this might surprise you...)

Many people see therapy to help them with anxiety and OCD. However, there is a specific type of therapy that is most effective for OCD...and there is research to prove it. Check out this video to learn more about what treatment looks like for OCD.

[VIDEO] I faced my fear...

It’s OCD Awareness Week and I participated in the #FaceYourFear campaign by the International OCD Foundation. In the treatment of OCD, people must face their fears. For OCD Week, people all over the world were asked to take a picture or video of themselves facing their fear to help spread awareness of OCD. Check out my video to see me facing my fear!

[VIDEO] How to Effectively Treat OCD (this might surprise you)

[VIDEO] What is OCD?

[VIDEO] Separation Anxiety: Understand the Signs and What You Can Do to Help Your Child

Do you have a child or teen who becomes fearful and anxious when separated from you? Separation anxiety disorder is common in not just young children, but older children and teens too! Sometimes parents believe that their child will outgrow separation anxiety, but not if it’s related to an anxiety disorder. A diagnosed separation anxiety disorder requires treatment from a professional.

In this video, you will learn about the common signs of separation anxiety disorder and what you can do to help your child.

[VIDEO] What is ERP?

ERP (exposure and response prevention) is an intervention of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a highly effective, and action oriented approach to treatment anxiety and OCD. Watch this video to learn more about how ERP works.

[VIDEO] What You Need to Know About PANDAS/PANS?

In this video, you will learn:

-What is PANDAS/PANS?

-How PANDAS/PANS is diagnosed

-The difference between PANDAS or OCD

-Treating PANDAS/PANS medically and with psychotherapy

-Treating PANDAS/PANS with CBT and ERP (exposure and response prevention)

-Supporting families

Find an OCD Therapist at www.iocdf.org

Learn more about PANDAS/PANS at www.pandasnetwork.org

[VIDEO] What's the difference between stress and anxiety?

Many people use the words stress and anxiety interchangeably. However, there is a significant difference.

Overcoming Difficulties with Making Decisions

If you struggle with anxiety, you know that decision making can be a challenge. It can cause you to feel angry, resentful, and even depressed. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can develop the confidence to make decisions. Learn more by watching my video.

4 Ways to Make Panic Attacks Worse

Panic attacks can make you feel like you are going crazy or losing control. It’s natural to do everything you can to avoid getting panic attacks. But did you know that these things can make anxiety worse in the long-run? Watch this video to learn more.

How to address reassurance seeking with your anxious child

When you have an anxious child, it’s common for them to ask repeated “what if” questions in attempt to manage their anxiety. This leaves parents answering the same worry questions over and over. This can be frustrating for parents. It also continues to feed the worry cycle. Watch this video to learn how to put an end to reassurance seeking behavior.

What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is considered the gold standard of treatment when it comes to treating anxiety disorders. It is relatively short-term and proven to be effective. Watch this video to learn about how this therapy approach is used with anxiety disorders.

How to Make a Cognitive Coping Card

A cognitive coping card is a portable and physical card you can make to help crush anxiety. In this video, learn about what a cognitive coping card is, how it helps, and what to put on it.

What is Generalized Anxiety Disorder?