Emotions: Friend or Foe?
Many of us (including myself) never received education about what emotions are and their purpose. However, the truth is - scientists continue to struggle to meet a consensus on what emotions actually are. Russ Harris, an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy pioneer has been so kind to gather the current data regarding emotions, and here’s what he’s discovered: scientists in the field of emotions have agreed on two conclusions about what emotions are:
An emotion is a complex network of neurological, cardiovascular, musculoskeletal, and hormonal flux within the body.
This physical process prepares us to react.
Most of us notice these physical changes as “butterflies” in our stomach, a “lump” in our throat, clammy hands, or watery eyes. When we experience these physical sensations, we sometimes have an urge to take action.
For example, if one is preparing for an upcoming speech, one may begin to feel various anxiety symptoms days leading up to the event (muscle tension, thoughts of failing, sweaty palms, difficulties concentrating, body temperature changes, etc.).
These physical sensations may urge us to behave in a certain manner (avoidance around preparing for the speech or nudge us to get off our butt and get prepping). The key here is that we may or may not act on these urges to react.
Ultimately, we have a choice (avoid or prepare).
In other words, we can still dictate our overt behavior (actions), even when we can’t control how we are feeling. So if a co-worker pissed you off, you may have an urge or desire to scream at them or maybe even give them a good wack! Many of us let the urge pass and do our best to be civil during the confrontation, but some of us may choose to react and engage in a behavior that leads to severe consequences - but remember the choice is yours.
The ultimate aim here is to be authentic to ourselves and to honestly acknowledge to ourselves how we are feeling, accept those feelings, and at the same time act in a way that mirrors who we want to be seen. So how can we use emotions as allies? It begins with understanding what they can do for us.
What Emotions Do
Our emotions can serve 3 main purposes: communicate, motivate, and illuminate.
Emotions communicate by allowing others to see your facial expression, body posture, physical movement, breathing pattern, and vocalizations (expressing your feelings). Unless of course we decide to “hide our feelings” by “putting on a happy face,” for example. This can be helpful or not so helpful - it depends on the situation (more on this in a future blog post).
Emotions motivate us to run or hide (fear response). Anger may urge us to stand our ground or to fight our enemy. Sadness may urge us to take a pause, reflect, isolate, and rest. Guilt may urge us to make things right with someone if we compromised trust in a relationship or in society. Love motivates us to be caring and nurturing.
Emotions illuminate the importance of safety, defending our territory, maintaining boundaries, fighting for what is right, grieving, how we treat others and the importance of repairing social bonds, and the importance of intimacy, connection, bonding, and many more.
How to Effectively Use Your Emotions
Emotions can offer a palette of wise data if we’re willing to tap into it, and if at the same time we’re able to differentiate a helpful or not so helpful emotion. Often, people become anxious or depressed because they’ve become so good at not noticing when the emotion rises, not being able to name the emotion and link it to a thought or situation, and then ultimately engage in avoiding the emotion. Many also do this on autopilot, which can hinder one’s self-awareness surrounding their mental illness. So let’s start practicing noticing what’s showing up (emotion), name it, and determine if there’s any wisdom to gain in the emotion, and then redirect your attention back to what matters in that moment.
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How to Be the Architect of Your Life
The Common Struggle
I see many clients who are struggling with anxiety, depression, or OCD who come to me after numerous attempts to fix their mental health symptoms. Many of these individuals have become their own expert in mindfulness and have been doing a great job at allowing their anxious thoughts and physical symptoms to just be (acceptance), but they continue to not find relief from their malaise. Some of them have also committed to going to a Yoga class, increased their physical activity, switched from coffee to chamomile tea, and on and on.. While some of these changes can be occasionally good, often it can lead us down to a path to engage in activities with the hope that it gets rid of something (anxiety, OCD, depression). Suffers do these types of things because that’s what our culture tells them to do when you are mentally ill. However, when we engage in control efforts to get rid of a symptom we don’t like, we fall into a continued trap of anxiety or depression.
Often when someone has been suffering with a mental illness for sometime, they’ve begun to avoid things in their life that use to bring them meaning, purpose, and joy. When someone begins to avoid activities such as building and maintaining relationships, engaging in the workforce, being playful, tinkering with their hobbies, being adventurous, etc., their lives become small, boring, lonely, and simply unsatisfying. In other words, one can become very isolated from their values, which in itself can create human suffering.
Using Values to Build A Meaningful Life
So what do we do when we’ve mastered mindfulness and attempted activities that are suppose to cure us of our disease but have only failed to do so? In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we engage in a values exercise called “Flavor and Savor.”
How To Identify Your Values
Pick 2-3 values that stick out to you instinctually. Choose from the list of values below (This is the flavor part of the exercise).
Pick a value that you feel you crave (like how you feel when your stomach growls for your favorite food).
It’s important you don’t pick a value that you feel like you should have, or that culture or religion says you should have.
What does this value means to you?
Acting on Your Values
Write out 2-3 sentences about how you will ACT on this value.
Create a SMART goal in order to make acting on our values a little more realistic.
For example, one of my values is growth. What growth means to me is to continuously pursue opportunities to expand my knowledge in business, my therapy practice, my role as a father, and my photography skills. A couple of ways that I ACT on this value is by creating a goal to read books about photography and books on the latest science around mental health, and then incorporate this new knowledge into my sessions with clients or in my photography process.
After you have practiced picking a value (flavoring), at the end of the day reflect on how it felt to intentionally incorporate this value into your day (savoring). You may have noticed a big difference in your day, or maybe you didn’t. Have no fear if you didn’t notice anything, but then try choosing another value to practice incorporating into your day. For more about the difference between values and goals, check out this great video: Values vs. Goals.
Here’s a list of values to start from, excerpted from Brene’s Brown’s book, “Dare to Lead”:
Written by Justin Matthews, LGSW
Justin is a therapist that specializes in helping individuals get relief from anxiety and OCD by teaching them how to be more flexible with their unhelpful thoughts so they can spend more time doing what matters.
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How to Unhook From Thoughts Using Mindfulness Meditation
Justin Matthews, LGSW will show you how to use mindfulness to learn how to accept and allow thoughts in 2 minutes
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Common Sub-Types of OCD
Many people think OCD is characterized by symptoms of excessive handwashing, counting, checking, and having things be "perfect." Although these are indeed symptoms of OCD, it is a limiting description of the possible ways OCD presents itself.
Why are sub-types helpful for OCD?
Because the symptoms of OCD are not widely understood, many people are still under-diagnosed with OCD. And this means people are not recognizing it and likely not getting treated...especially the most appropriate type of treatment. So by identifying sub-types and talking openly about them, more people may get the help they really need. Many of our clients with OCD had thought they were "just weird" or "had anxiety." There is relief in knowing there is an explanation and name for your symptoms.
The downside of sub-types for OCD
Although sub-types are helpful in some ways, it can common with some issues too. It's important for people to know that these subtypes are not separate diagnoses. They are under the OCD diagnosis. It can actually be a slippery slope to over-identify with a subtype because it can make people more susceptible to relapse. For instance, if you are focused on your symptoms of Harm OCD, you could make great improvements in therapy but years down the road OCD could come back in a different theme, such as sexual orientation OCD, you could struggle with applying your previous skills to this theme because it "feels different." This is why it's important in treatment to not focus too much "on the content" of what OCD says, but instead understanding the ways it can play it's game and suck you in. This way, no matter what theme shows up, you can use your skills
Common Subtypes of OCD
Contamination OCD-fear of getting sick, fearing of spreading illness, fear of disgust, fearing of becoming a "dirty" person
Responsibility/Checking OCD-fear of items (like appliances) being left on, items being unlocked or properly secured
Just Right OCD-excessive awareness of something not being symmetrical, unease when completing routine activity, concerned an item doesn't belong somewhere
Harm OCD-fear of snapping and harming others or yourself, fear of acting on intrusive thoughts, fear of being responsible for a tragedy caused by an error you made, fear of hitting someone with a car and not knowing it
Sexual Orientation OCD-fear of living in denial of your sexual orientation
Pedophile OCD-fear of snapping and becoming a pedophile, fear of touching a child inappropriately, fear of being in denial of being a pedophile
Relationship OCD-fear of not really loving significant other, fear of partner leaving
Scrupulosity/Moral OCD-fear of interpreting scripture incorrectly, concern about words/symbols being a sign of condemnation, fear of being judged for not following religion perfectly
Hyperawareness OCD-excessive awareness of involuntary bodily processes such as breathing, swallowing, blinking, etc.
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Asking to be cured of OCD is for dead people
Wait, I can’t be completely cured of OCD?
Let’s begin by first acknowledging that OCD SUCKS!! There is a reason you are looking for help, and I’m guessing it’s because you’re suffering and becoming sick and tired of being sick and tired. Trying to get rid of obsessive thoughts through compulsions is exhausting. And it makes your world smaller and smaller. The suffering is often evident once OCD begins to rob you of your time, relationships, work performance, and simply just makes you feel very uncomfortable under your own skin. However, asking to be completely free of OCD can only be achieved once you’re 6 feet under. I know, that sounds dark and dramatic - but it’s true. OCD is a chronic disorder, which means it cannot get better without treatment. When I tell my clients that I can’t completely cure them of their OCD, I often see their body posture almost collapse. But the truth is - there is no magic Men in Black device that can delete our thoughts and memories - they’re now in our repertoire. HOWEVER, there is hope - so please stay with me.
How Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can help treat OCD
Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) has been (until recently) the only gold standard for treating OCD. However, there is a new treatment in town, and it has not only been shown to be just as effective as ERP, but also incredibly influential with helping people design a life that is more rich and meaningful. This treatment is called ACT. I describe how ACT works by having my clients visualize a glass of water that is about 25% full of water, but also completely saturated with salt. I explain that the water represents their lives and everything in it that brings them meaning and joy, and the salt is their OCD symptoms. During this exercise, I confess that I can’t remove that salt, but what I can do is help my clients fill their glass with more water, which decreases the significance of that salt in their lives. I also teach my clients skills to help them deal with that salt more flexibly as we move forward together -filling their cup with more purpose, meaning, and value.
Do you use ERP to Treat OCD?
Yes. ERP is certainly still very useful and I incorporate ERP into my practice. I like to describe working within ERP and ACT as a marriage - each model having their own unique benefits that contribute to the treatment process. For more information about ACT’s usefulness with treating OCD, please go here: https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/expert-opinion-what-is-act/
My role as a therapist in treatment for OCD
I describe myself as more of a coach than as a “healer.” I often use a metaphor (I use metaphors a lot!) to describe my role in treating someone with OCD. Here we go, let’s begin by imagining two mountains that are right next to each-other. These mountains represent “life.” Life is hard and it is much like climbing a mountain. Mountains can be incredibly dangerous to climb if you don’t have the right tools to help you get to the top. So now imagine your mountain being right next to mine, and let’s pretend that we can magically hear and see one another. The benefit of this circumstance is that I know some tips that can help get you up this mountain, and maybe even enjoy this climb. I can give you strategies for feet placement, how to sharpen your pick axe, I may even see an alternate route up that you can’t see from your perspective, or I may see an avalanche racing your way before you do. Assuming I don’t slip and face my own adversity on my mountain (hey, I’m human too!), I can coach you up your mountain with the help of scientifically-proven skillsets. I may even have us pause occasionally, and just take the time to enjoy the scenery up there, because that’s important too!
What I’m trying to say here is that I’m not this magical healer that is just basking in the sun on top of my mountain - free from any anxieties or curve balls that life throws at us. I’m just like you, a normal human trying to climb this mountain we call life. And the truth is, this mountain only ends when the credits to our story begin to roll. So let’s make the most of what we can out of this adventure.
Written by Justin Matthews, LGSW
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"I know I need to sit with anxiety...but HOW?"
It sounds so simple, right?
As you start to learn about the strategies that help and don’t help with anxiety, you’ve likely come to learn that running from discomfort is only making matters worse.
So everything you have been learning tells you to not avoid, distract, or do a compulsion but to “sit with anxiety” instead.
I get this isn’t easy. If it was, you wouldn’t be avoiding in the first place.
I find that there are important skills I need to help my clients learn in order to effectively “sit with” anxiety. So here are my tips on how to “sit with anxiety.”
My 5 Tips on How To Sit With Anxiety
Be curious about what your body is doing
Close your eyes to really allow yourself to be present with your mind and body. Do a scan of your body and notice where you are experiencing sensations. Just name the sensation you notice in a matter of fact way. For example: “I notice chest tightness” or “here’s nausea.” Draw an imaginary circle around that area.
Acknowledge the sensation for what it is
When we feel anxiety in our body, we can begin to interpret these sensations for real danger. If you find your mind doing this, remind yourself “this is just a sensation” or “here is discomfort.”
Be curious about what your mind is doing
Close your eyes once again and notice what your mind does. Is it giving demanding threats? Is it spinning with a bunch of random thoughts? Is it desperately trying to focus on something else? You don’t have to do anything here, just sit back as if you were sitting in the chair of a theater and watching a show.
Be gentle
Sitting with anxiety isn’t easy. You need to give yourself relentless grace and encouragement for doing something difficult. No judgment allowed here. Tell yourself “this isn’t easy” or “I can do hard things.” Beating yourself up for having anxiety is not helpful in moving you forward, so commit to being more kind to yourself. If you had a close friend who began to panic, would you say “what’s wrong with you?” I doubt it. So don’t tell yourself that either. Treat yourself like you would treat a friend.
Remove temptation
If you are working on sitting with anxiety without avoidance or compulsions, you may want to modify your environment to make it more challenging to access those. For instance, if you are working on reducing handwashing, remove extra soap or hand wipes. If you are working on not checking the rear view mirror, flip it up or cover it. If you seek excessive reassurance (online or with loved one), leave your phone/computer and go for a walk so can’t research the internet.
Practice, practice, practice
If you are working on relating to anxiety differently, then these skills are crucial to your success. If you are doing exposure therapy, then you are moving towards situations that make you uncomfortable all the time.
If you are struggling to sit with the anxiety, then you will likely abandon the exposure exercise quickly and end up avoiding the situation (or doing a compulsion).
If you are struggling with “sitting with anxiety”, then I would recommend practicing these skills on a regular basis before doing exposures. If you only practice these skills during times you are highly anxious then it may make it more difficult to sit with the uncomfortable feelings.
If you need help with applying these skills, then you may want to think about starting therapy for anxiety or OCD. Our therapists are trained in using the most effective strategies for treating anxiety disorders and OCD.
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It's Not Your Mental Health Symptoms That Are The Problem
What is this guy talking about!? My mental health symptoms are terrible and are ruining my life!!!
Look, I get it.. Anxiety, panic, and depression symptoms suck! They make us feel like we can’t concentrate, feel joy, be happy, get sleep, and so on. However, many of us are quick to blame our symptoms for the hell we feel we are stuck in.
What I see over and over in my sessions with clients is a tendency for clients to become hyperaware and obsessed with their symptoms, to the point where they begin avoiding being around their loved ones or engaging in the activities they enjoy.
The worst thing you can do when your symptoms show up is to stop doing the things in your life that bring meaning, joy, and purpose into your life. When we engage in the things we care about, and are able to become present with what matters, our “feel good” chemicals are released in our minds and bodies, which help reduce the impact of anxiety and depression.
The truth is, anxiety, panic, and depression are part of being a human being.
Let’s be honest, we are living in unprecedented times (oh, I said it!). There’s a million reasons why you may be feeling anxious, panicky, or depressed - but the key here is to not become anxious about being anxious or depressed because you’re depressed.
We do this by applying the skills you will learn in ACT. Can I promise you a total cure of anxiety or depression? ABSOLUTELY NOT. And if someone says that they can - run away!
The truth is, anxiety and depression are part of the human experience, but if we don’t have the tools to ride out some of these storms, your symptoms can become chronic and you may lead yourself down a road that only keeps the unhelpful and painful cycle on repeat.
We don’t have full control of all of our thoughts and emotions, but we do have full control with how we REACT to difficult thoughts and emotions. How you choose to RESPOND to your symptoms is your ticket out of suffering.
So how am I suppose to do these things when I’m totally consumed by my thoughts and emotions?
Acknowledge the difficulty you are experiencing right now. Example: “Here is anxiety” or “I notice the urge to cancel plans today.”
Come back to your plans for the day or the task in this moment. “What am I supposed to be doing right now?” or “What was I planning to do before this thought/feeling showed up?”
Ask yourself “What action does this thought/feeling want me to do?” If I followed that, would that bring me closer to the kind or person I want to be? Or would it bring me further away?
Recommit to the plans you had or the task you were working on. Don’t let feelings be the decision maker. Let your values the decision maker.
Remind yourself that the goal isn’t to “feel good” before you take action.
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4 Types of Reassurance Traps
Do No Harm
This type of reassurance seeking involves looking for certainty that you are not a bad person. Intrusive harming thoughts (with violent, sexual, or embarrassing content). Examples include: having to always be careful to avoid accidental harm to yourself or others. Overwhelming fear of offending God that leads you to constantly try to prove to yourself that you in good grace.
2. Guarantees Forever
This type of reassurance seeking is meant to find certainty that everything will be ok. Examples include: seeking constant reassurance to prove you don't have a serious illness can look like checking your pulse or temperature when not told to do so by your doctor. Needing to know if you are going to get fired by studying others reactions and excessively asking others if they think you are not performing well. Having to know your partner is being faithful by scanning partner's face, checking phone and emails, becoming upset if a text is not answered right away.
3. Banish All Doubts.
This type of reassurance seeking involves trying to know the answer the questions that are unanswerable. These can include questions like "what if I'm gay?"..."how do I know I'm not going crazy?...or "how ca I be sure I'm really here on earth?"
4. Don't Mess Up.
This type of reassurance can look like having fears about messing up at work, which can lead to endless checking over emails or working excessively to avoid imperfections. It can also look like doing endless research and planning on a simple purchase to be sure to make the perfect decision.
If you struggle with anxiety and reassurance seeking, State of Mind Therapy can help. Ready to get started?
How to Overcome the Fear of Getting Help
Written by Justin Matthews, LGSW
I know I need to get help, but my fear, anxiety, and ego won’t let me.
Let me take a guess - you have done some research and you have decided on a couple of providers that may be a good fit to treat your mental health concerns. But now, here you are, staring at your phone - desperate, wanting so badly for the conversation to already be over, because the fear of calling is making it impossible to commit to the call. Maybe you visualize yourself freezing up, unable to get words out, or maybe you see yourself losing control on the phone and sounding like a fool. Or maybe your ego is stopping you from admitting that you need help, by screaming, “don't be such a pansy! Man up! There are people starving in Africa and you’re whining about your anxiety!?”
I have good news for you… you’re not crazy, you’re human.
The truth is, many of us (especially men) are terrified of making that initial phone call to request help. Our minds are excellent manufactures of automatic thoughts such as, “I can’t believe it’s come down to this.” Or “I use to be so normal, how could this happen to me!” These thoughts saturate our brains to the point of resisting help, because our thoughts often dictate our actions. Another point to consider is that our culture in the U.S. still stigmatizes mental health. We have made substantial progress in this area, but the stigma is still very relevant, which usually gets in our way of seeking therapy. So how do we do it? How does one overcome these obstacles to get help?? I’m here to tell you that it’s normal to be anxious. In the beginning stages of my anxiety Hell, I remember the day I was ready to make an appointment for therapy…it was after trying to “treat” myself for two years. However, once I had a therapist in mind and knew I wanted to work with this individual, I saw myself glaring at my phone and feeling the sensation of “freeze” and being fearful that I wouldn’t be able to speak or articulate enough information to the therapist. Because of this fear, I avoided the opportunity for weeks, which only fueled my anxiety and avoidance. Finally, I decided I need to do something about this. So how did I make it happen??
Radical Acceptance
I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired, I decided if I freeze up or if I wasn’t perfect with how I described my presenting problem to the therapist, I would be ok with that. In other words, I gave the anxiety and fear the space it needed (without judgement) while I made the call. I’m not gonna lie - I was anxious as hell! But, the interesting thing was, after about 30 seconds and 30 words out, my fear departed. I can’t guarantee this will happen for everyone, BUT, I can bet it will be easier for you once you begin your conversation. Remember this, your fear will most likely be more intense prior to the call, but once you have established communication, that fear will eventually dissolve - it may ebb and flow throughout the conversation, BUT, it will most likely be less intimidating.
MAKE THE CALL. Just do it - do it for yourself- it’s worth it.
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Why Avoiding the Feeling of Anxiety Keeps you Feeling like $h!t!
Written by Justin Matthews, LGSW
Don’t worry, we’ve all done it - that is, tried to PUSH anxiety away.
Nobody likes the feeling of anxiety. For many, It may cause muscle tension, constant worry, scary thoughts and images, poor sleep, and hundreds of other physical symptoms that make it miserable to live under your own skin. So what do we do when this all shows up? We scramble to find the quick remedies that “fix” us or we drown ourselves in alcohol or other substances that curb the anxious experience. Our culture also doesn’t help because media companies saturate us with these quick fixes, such as: positive thinking techniques, marketing elixirs that are supposed to magically make anxiety disappear, or trying to sell you a magic bracelet that supposedly makes your anxiety go “poof.” Essentially what our culture says is that anxiety is bad and you need to make it go away!
Why experiential avoidance is the MAIN reason many of us continue to struggle with mental health symptoms.
Experiential avoidance (EA) is a term often discussed in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). EA occurs when an individual attempts to avoid troublesome thoughts, memories, physical sensations, feelings, and other internal experiences. When I was deep in my anxiety battle, I would often try to keep myself busy in order to avoid my anxiety. I rarely allowed time to relax because I was afraid that would be a perfect opportunity for my anxiety to attack! So I would excessively read, go on social media, or read/listen to literature on anxiety disorders - and because of my magical thinking skills, I thought this behavior would magically make my anxiety implode. Unfortunately, all these behaviors did was (you guessed it) make my anxiety WORSE. It wasn’t until I applied the strategies in ACT when I began to get my life back.
ACT argues that internal experiences (thoughts, feelings, etc.) are not the problem, but rather how we choose to respond to these experiences. When we make the conscious choice to label these experiences as bad, attempt to push them away or avoid them, or try to change our “irrational” thoughts - is when we begin to struggle and amplify our uncomfortable internal experiences. Steven Hayes, the founder of the ACT model has previously stated that the science is clear, the more one tries to avoid their internal experiences, the more we will suffer. So what do we do about it?
Opening up and facing our demons.
When we engage in numerous avoidance strategies with our uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, memories, and sensations, it can often help us in the short-term (relief from anxiety). However, we often feel doomed when these internal experiences show back up (and sometimes with a stronger punch!). So what can we do instead? ACT would say - open up and be more willing to feel all the feels, and most importantly - do this without judgement. The more willing we are to feel all of our experiences, the more likely these uncomfortable thougths, feelings, memories, and sensations will be likely to pass with time. It’s when we begin to try to fight off and label these experiences as “bad” that we discover they will be more likely to stick around. Additionally, when we try to get rid of these experiences, we are no longer engaging in activities that bring our life meaning, purpose, and joy, which only opens the door to more suffering. So the next time you have an unhelpful thought, memory, or physical sensation - try to look at the experience with compassionate curiosity, and gently open up to the experience without judgement. Lastly, try to be willing to carry these experiences with you as you carry on your day in a more valued direction. As you begin to practice this new strategy, you will begin to see that life can still be fulfilling - even when you allow your demons a free ride in your backseat. You will also begin to see that your internal experiences don’t have the “pull” they once had before.
If you are avoiding anxiety and want to begin therapy with State of Mind Therapy, click here to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation.
7 Mistakes I Made During My Anxiety Recovery
Years ago I was diagnosed with GAD, Social Anxiety, and Panic Disorder. I tried countless ways to overcome anxiety.....which includes making a ton of mistakes along the way. In this blog, I describe the top 7 mistakes I made in my anxiety recovery, so hopefully you won't make the same mistakes. Need therapy for anxiety? Schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation to get started.
Hiding my anxiety from others
The feeling of shame began to dominate my life once the anxiety became chronic. I didn’t want anyone to know that I had an anxiety disorder, because I had created a narrative in my head about who I was and how I wanted to be seen by others. Because of the fear of being rejected by society and possibly ruining my reputation, I decided to keep the anxiety my dirty little secret - which ultimately made my anxiety even worse.
Assuming that always “pushing through” anxiety was the ticket out of my anxiety
I discovered the hard way that all of us need time to “rest and digest.” I often avoided this very important piece of self-care because I thought that taking time to binge on Netflix meant that I was lazy. The truth is, we all need to find our activities that allow our parasympathetic nervous system to engage so our nerves can take a rest.
Spending excessive amounts of time researching anxiety
I can’t tell you how many books, blogs, YouTube videos, and podcasts I’ve listened to in order to “solve” my anxiety problem. The truth is, our mind is great at solving problems such as financial issues, maintenance repairs, etc., however, the mind is TERRIBLE at solving its own problems.
Engaging in reassurance seeking with my wife
Reassurance seeking is a classic symptom of anxiety. The problem with this behavior is that it often mutes our anxiety worries in the short-term, but in the long game it never helps. Worries such as, “Did I damage my nervous system beyond repair?” or “Is there something else in my life that is causing this anxiety?” always seemed to return, even after obtaining reassurance from my wife. This behavior can also hinder your relationships with those you seek reassurance from for many reasons.
Framing anxiety as the enemy that I need to conquer
When I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Social Anxiety, and Panic Disorder - I established a narrative in my mind (without even realizing it) that I now had an enemy to conquer - which lead to excessive research that I discussed earlier. I would also visualize myself beating up my anxiety, which would maybe help temporarily, but it always returned with vengeance.
Engaging in pseudo-science practices
In the very beginning of my anxiety story, I decided to treat myself with “antidotes” that I found on the internet. One of the biggest mistakes I did was fall into the trap of practices that were not evidence-based treatments for anxiety disorders. I became enamored with practices like “The Law of Attraction,” which suggest through meditation, we can attract what we want in our lives through pure thought alone (for me it was to be anxiety free!!). Well, let me save you some time and just say…that shit doesn’t work.
Avoiding activities until I was “cured”
Because of my fear of other people finding out about my mental health crisis, I unconsciously decided to avoid people and activities that I use to enjoy until I was “cured.” Unfortunately, this only made my life smaller, less joyful, less meaningful, and you guessed it - made my anxiety worse.
Hindsight is 20/20. We all make mistakes when we are going through something. What mistakes have you made while trying to recover from anxiety? Share them below so others can learn from you too.
I know first hand how hard it can be to live with anxiety, but recovery is possible. If you want help untangling from anxiety, schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation to get started.
How to Overcome Panic Disorder
When panic strikes, it seems that the best way to get through is to get away from all the situations that are causing it. Some people have avoided caffeine, exercise, being around others, or shopping.
If you once enjoyed these things then you know first hand how panic can make your world small. (And if you are struggling with panic, we offer individual sessions that can help).
In order to effectively cope with panic, you must do the opposite of what the logical part of your brain wants you to.
The logical part of you tells you to stay away from the things that cause you to feel anxious and panic. But that only strengthens your fear to that situation. We have to paradoxically move towards the fear-not away from it.
Consider this example. Have you ever ridden on a segway? You know, those two wheeled vehicles that you are standing upright in?
About 5 years ago I was visiting Chicago with my husband and we went on a segway tour through the Hyde Park neighborhood. At the start of the tour, we were told how to ride this two-wheeler and given all the safety instructions. I was like...yea-yea, ok lets get on with this tour.
But then while we were on the tour, my segway caught speed. I was cruising past our group and the instructor started yelling at me "LEAN BACK!" I was terrified. I thought, "If I lean back, I'm going to fall backwards and hurt myself." It did not feel like the most intuitive way to prevent myself from crashing to the pavement.
But I kept leaning forward which made me go even faster. I could still hear the instructor in the distance. Eventually, I put trust in what he was telling me and leaned back. And sure enough, I got control of the segway.
So you see, this is similar to how we must approach panic. It doesn't make sense to go towards what makes us anxious when everything in our body screams "go the other way." It feels like we will lose control, die, or cause something horrific to happen.
But when we decide to trust that we should lean in to our fear, we regain control because we tell our brain that this is just a signal. We tell our brain that it feels like danger but we are safe.
If we don't move towards what makes us anxious, then we end up giving fear all of our strength and power.
So the next time you decide to look fear in the face, step into it with a fierce willingness to experience the discomfort (which is not the same as a white-knuckle approach) that shows up and be committed to sticking with it now matter what. I know it's not easy. Use the statements below to encourage yourself:
“It’s OK to be anxious here.”
“I won’t guard myself against anxiety.”
“This is practice.”
“I can tolerate uncertainty.”
How to Handle Uncertainty
All anxiety and worry is rooted in difficulty tolerating the unknown. If you struggle with anxiety, then you probably find yourself needing a lot of reassurance from others, needing to make excessive lists, double check your work, and even avoid people or situations.
Most people like to know things and don’t like uncertainty. But when you struggle with an anxiety disorder, it can seem like you almost have an “allergy” to uncertainty. You may have a strong emotional reaction to even small amounts of uncertainty.
Truth is, life is full of uncertainty. Nobody gets to know how others are perceiving us, how we will die, or if something bad happens.
If you struggle with tolerating uncertainty, you will want to make a deliberate effort to learn skills to strengthen your ability to “not know.”
To get better at tolerating uncertainty, try these tips:
Eliminate the behaviors that take up your time and energy meant to get certainty (like eliminate googling answers or asking others for reassurance)
Practice using uncertain self-talk such as: “I don’t know and that’s ok” or “whatever happens, happens.”
Instead of being hard on yourself, try being more compassionate by saying “This is hard. Many people also struggle with ______________, I need to remember that it’s ok to not know everything and that I can handle problems that may come my way.”
Set up challenges! Practice tolerating uncertainty by sending a work email without checking for spelling errors. Or go to a restaurant without reading the reviews.
Work with a therapist that specializes in anxiety disorders. State of Mind Therapy has therapists skilled in helping people with actionable ways to work through anxiety. You can book a free 15 minute phone consultation here.
Featured on Mom's Dish MN Podcast about Managing Anxiety, Tips for an Easier Holiday Season and Tools for Finding the Right Therapist for You
I had the privilege of being featured on the Mom’s Dish MN Podcast to talk about anxiety. In this episode we discuss:
-Why I decided to become a therapist
-Why anxiety is on the rise
-Signs of anxiety in children and adults
-Common triggers for anxiety
-Finding therapy for anxiety
-Helpful tips for coping with anxiety and panic symptoms
-Tips for reducing stress and anxiety during the holidays
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