How to Set Boundaries While Supporting a Loved One with Anxiety and OCD
When someone you love is struggling with anxiety or OCD, you don’t want to see them struggle and would do anything to help them.
You want to make it better, soften the blow, solve the problem. And sometimes, without realizing it, that love turns into over-involvement. You start walking on eggshells. You give up pieces of your own life to keep theirs running. You lose sleep, cancel plans, and find yourself tiptoeing around triggers just to avoid an anxiety spiral.
If you are living with them, you might be wrapped up in their daily compulsions, part of rituals you never meant to join. Maybe you're answering reassurance questions over and over again, following “rules” to keep their anxiety at bay, or getting involved in their treatment in ways that blur healthy lines.
And somewhere along the way, you may have lost yourself in the process.
The truth is: it’s not selfish to need space. It’s not cold to want your peace back.
It’s not unloving to set a boundary.
What Boundaries Are (and What They’re Not)
Let’s be clear—boundaries aren’t about punishment, ultimatums, or walking away. They’re about protecting your own mental health and making the relationship healthier for both of you.
A boundary is simply a limit.
It might sound like:
“I’m not available to talk about this right now, but I care about you.”
“I can’t keep answering the same question. I know that’s hard—I believe you can get through it.”
“I want to support your treatment, but I’m not your therapist.”
Boundaries say:
“I love you, and I love me too.”
When Support Becomes Over-Involvement
There is a fine line between being supportive and being consumed by your loved one’s anxiety or OCD.
You might notice you’re:
Always the one fixing or managing the situation
Trying to “push” them into exposures because they won’t do it themselves
Rearranging your life to accommodate rituals or avoid triggers
More anxious than ever—and you’re not even the one with OCD
Even when your intentions are to help, trying to make someone else change isn’t sustainable for your own wellbeing (or helpful).
In fact, getting overly involved can make things worse. It may reinforce compulsions, delay their own motivation for real change, and cause strain or resentment in your relationship.
Signs You Might Need Healthier Boundaries
Here are some signs that you need to practice healthier boundaries with your loved one:
You feel constantly on edge…especially when around your loved one
You’re spending excessive amounts of your time helping them manage their distress
You’re answering the same worry questions over and over.
You’ve tried to interfere with their compulsions out of frustration and desperation for them to get better.
You’ve stopped doing things you enjoy because you’re exhausted or feel you need to be there for your loved one
If any of this sounds familiar, you’re likely experiencing burn out. And that’s your cue to start making some changes.
What Boundaries Can Look Like (With Examples)
Boundaries don’t have to be cruel or mean. They can be loving, kind, and clear.
On reassurance:
“I know your brain is spiraling right now. I care about you, but I’m not going to answer that again. Let’s try something different.”On emotional availability:
“I’m here for you, but I need a break tonight. Can we talk in the morning?”On compulsions:
“I’m not going to check your work. I know it’s hard—I also know you’ve got this.”On treatment involvement:
“I want to support you, but I can’t run your treatment plan. That’s between you and your therapist.”
It can be hard to remember to say these, so write them down somewhere where you will remember them.
What to Expect When You Set a Boundary
If your loved one is used to you responding in a particular way to their anxiety/OCD, and then you change that pattern, it’s very likely that they will have a strong reaction.
But here’s the thing: that’s ok!
Your loved one not liking the change should not mean that you don’t set the boundary. It will be hard at first, but if you can expect it, then you will be more likely to follow through.
The Hardest Shift: Letting Them (Inspired by Mel Robbins)
There’s a powerful message in Mel Robbins’ book Let Them that hits home here:
“People only change when they want to.”
You can’t force your loved one into therapy or make them stop doing compulsions. No matter how much you want them to. You can only offer hope, encouragement, and support…but the rest is up to them.
And when you step into the role of rescuer, you’re not actually helping.
You might be reinforcing avoidance. You might be delaying the moment they feel discomfort enough to seek real help.
“Rescuing is not support. Enabling is not love.”
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is… let them:
Let then miss the event.
Let them be late.
Let them feel uncomfortable.
Let them sit with the consequences of avoiding.
Not because you don’t care—but because you care enough to stop standing in the way of growth.
Is this hard to watch? 100%. You may need your own outlet for support. Because being close to someone who is struggling can be painful. You’re allowed to get help for yourself, even if they’re not there yet.
Consider reading Let Them by Mel Robbins if this message resonates with you. It’s an empowering, compassionate guide to letting go of control and reclaiming your peace.
Final Thoughts: Boundaries Are an Act of Love
Boundaries don’t mean you don’t care. They mean you’re not willing to lose yourself in someone else’s suffering.
They mean you’re choosing honesty, clarity, and peace over guilt and exhaustion. They mean you’re supporting from a place of strength—not fear.
You can love someone and let them grow.
You can stay present without being consumed.
You can be supportive without being responsible.
Ready for More Support?
If you're looking for additional tips to help you set boundaries without guilt—
👉 Download our free Family Support Guide
This quick resource walks you through how to respond to compulsions, what to say (and not say), and how to support your loved one without losing yourself in the process.
Want something more in-depth?
🗓️ Join the waitlist for our upcoming workshop: Supporting a Loved One with Anxiety & OCD
We’ll dive into what actually helps (and what doesn’t), how to stop walking on eggshells, and how to care for yourself while showing up for someone you love. You’ll be the first to know when we open spots.
Ready to work with an anxiety therapist?
State of Mind Therapy in Bloomington can help. Click the button below to sign-up for your free 15 minute phone consultation today.
Related Articles
5 Common Mistakes Loved Ones Make When Supporting Someone with Anxiety or OCD
Supporting someone with anxiety or OCD is complicated. You want to help, but sometimes, what feels like support can actually make things worse. Without realizing it, your efforts to comfort, protect, or “fix” the problem might be reinforcing their anxiety instead.
If you’ve ever thought:
“I just want to reassure them so they stop worrying.”
“Maybe if I help them avoid their triggers, they’ll feel better.”
“I don’t understand why they can’t just stop overthinking.”
…you’re not alone. These reactions come from a place of care, but they often feed the anxiety cycle rather than helping your loved one truly cope.
Here are five common mistakes to be aware of when supporting someone with anxiety or OCD.
1. Falling Into the Reassurance Trap
It’s natural to want to calm your loved one down by reassuring them that everything is okay. But if they struggle with anxiety or OCD, they’ve likely already told themselves that—and it hasn’t worked.
Reassurance provides temporary relief but keeps them stuck in the cycle of seeking external validation instead of building internal confidence. It’s not that they don’t believe you, but anxiety isn’t satisfied with just one reassurance. They may ask the same question over and over, looking for certainty they will never truly find.
If you’ve found yourself repeating the same reassurances only to have them ask again—that’s a sign they’re relying on reassurance as a coping mechanism rather than truly working through their anxiety.
2. Trying to "Fix" Instead of Support
If you’ve ever felt frustrated thinking, "Why can’t they just move on?"—you’re not alone. Watching someone you love struggle with anxiety or OCD can be incredibly hard, especially when the solution seems so obvious from the outside.
But here’s the thing: Logic doesn’t “fix” anxiety. Your loved one likely already knows their fears are irrational, but knowing isn’t the same as believing. Telling them to "just stop" can make them feel judged, ashamed, or misunderstood.
Another common mistake is trying to “fix” them by doing the work for them. Have you ever:
❌ Spent hours researching therapists, books, or solutions while they remained hesitant to take action?
❌ Gone out of your way to accommodate all of their triggers to keep them from feeling anxious?
❌ Taken on more emotional labor than they are in managing their anxiety?
If so, you might be working harder than they are on their recovery—and that’s a sign it’s time to step back.
3. Taking Their Anxiety Personally
Anxiety and OCD aren’t just about what’s happening externally—they also impact how someone feels internally about their relationships.
If your loved one cancels plans, avoids certain places, or seems emotionally distant, it’s easy to assume it’s about you. But often, it’s about their own struggle:
➡️ Social anxiety makes them hyperaware of their own discomfort, not yours.
➡️ Contamination fears may make them withdraw—not because they think you’re actually dirty, but because their anxiety tells them to.
➡️ Intrusive thoughts may cause them to avoid situations out of irrational fear.
It’s hard not to take avoidance personally, but it’s important to remember their anxiety is about them, not you.
4. Forcing Exposure Without Consent
Facing fears is essential for anxiety and OCD recovery—but it must be done at the right pace. Encouraging your loved one to challenge their fears is different from springing an exposure on them without their consent.
Just because someone is working on facing their fears does not mean it’s okay to trigger them on purpose. If your partner struggles with contamination OCD, throwing their belongings on the floor won’t “teach them” to get over it—it will likely overwhelm them and break trust in the relationship.
Instead of pushing them too hard, recognize that effective exposure therapy is gradual, intentional, and done in collaboration—not forced.
5. Neglecting Your Own Well-Being
Being a support system for someone with anxiety or OCD can feel all-consuming. You care deeply, so you put their needs first—even at the expense of your own. But when you constantly adjust your life around their anxiety, it leads to caregiver burnout .
Signs you may be neglecting your own well-being include:
❌ Making constant accommodations to keep them comfortable.
❌ Feeling drained, exhausted, or resentful.
❌ Losing time for your own hobbies, friends, or self-care.
The truth? You cannot support someone else if you’re running on empty.
Setting healthy boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t care—it means you care about both of you.
Want to Learn How to Actually Help?
Recognizing these patterns is the first step. But what do you do instead? How can you set boundaries, stop feeding anxiety, and support your loved one’s recovery?
That’s exactly what we break down inside the Family Resource Guide: 5 Ways to Support Your Loved One with Anxiety and OCD.
Inside, you’ll get:
✔️ Practical scripts to help you respond to reassurance-seeking in a way that supports, not enables.
✔️ Step-by-step guidance on how to set boundaries without guilt.
✔️ Specific strategies for supporting your loved one—without sacrificing your own well-being.
Final Thoughts
Supporting someone with anxiety or OCD is a balancing act. You don’t have to get it perfect—just being aware of these mistakes is a huge step toward showing up in a way that’s truly helpful.
Remember: You are not responsible for fixing them. But you can be a strong, supportive presence that helps them move toward recovery.