How to Stop Beating Yourself Up After Anxiety or OCD Setbacks

You had been doing better for a while…maybe making progress with anxiety, sticking with your therapy work, facing some fears. And then something happened.

You went down the internet rabbit hole looking for answers.

You canceled plans.

You avoided the trigger.

You gave in to the compulsion or safety behavior you swore you’d stop doing.

Now, instead of just feeling anxious, you feel disappointed in yourself. And the shame spiral begins. Your mind spins with thoughts like:

“Why did I do that?” 

“I should be past this by now.”

“Everyone else seems to handle things better than I do.”

This experience is common. And can also be a place where your progress can either slow down or deepen.

Because what happens after a setback matters more than the setback itself.

And that starts with how you treat yourself in the moments that follow.

Why Self-Blame Feels So Automatic

If you live with anxiety or OCD, you probably crave certainty and control. It’s uncomfortable not to know how things will turn out, and when a setback happens you might cancel plans, avoid a trigger, or repeat a compulsion. When this happens, blaming yourself can feel like the quickest way to regain that control.

Self-criticism often comes from a reasonable place: If I caused this, I can fix it.
It’s an attempt to take ownership, to make sense of what went wrong. In that sense, the intention behind it isn’t exactly a bad thing,  it’s about wanting to feel capable again.

But as researcher Kristin Neff has found, self-criticism triggers the same threat systems in the brain that anxiety does. When you attack yourself, your body reacts as if you’re in danger — heart rate up, cortisol released, mind on high alert. It’s your brain’s misguided way of saying, “Let’s get control of this problem.”

The trouble is, that state doesn’t lead to learning. It actually keeps you frozen in shame.
Over time, self-blame becomes a habit — shaped by perfectionism, family messages about “tough love,” or a culture that treats mental health struggles as personal failings.

There’s a difference between accountability and attack.
Accountability sounds like: “That didn’t go the way I hoped — what can I learn for next time?”
Attack sounds like: “I can’t believe I did that again — what’s wrong with me?”

Setbacks and compulsions are part of the process of recovery. You are learning new ways of thinking, feeling, and responding. How on earth could you do that with zero mistakes along the way?

Learning to meet setbacks with curiosity rather than contempt is what allows you to pick yourself up and keeping moving forward.

A 3-Step Self-Compassion Reset

When I talk with clients about self-compassion, I’m not talking about fluffy self-love or pretending everything’s fine. I mean learning how to turn toward yourself when things are hard, instead of away.

Here’s a simple, three-step reset to help you practice that shift.

Step 1: Notice and Name What’s Happening

The first step is awareness. Most people don’t realize when they’ve moved from feeling anxious to criticizing themselves for feeling anxious.

Notice it. Label it gently.

Labeling it might sound like: “I’m having a hard moment” or “I’m feeling shame” or “I’m stuck in a loop right now.”

If guilt shows up, separate it from shame.

• Guilt says, “I did something that doesn’t fit my values.”
  
  

• Shame says, “There’s something wrong with me.”
  
  

That difference may sound subtle, but it’s so powerful. Guilt helps you learn; shame you us down.

Imagine you just gave in to a compulsion or avoided a social situation you’d been working toward. This is the moment to pause and name what’s happening — not to justify or fix it, but simply to see it clearly.

Awareness is always the first door out of self-blame.

Step 2: Remember Your Humanity

When you’ve had a setback you can quickly feel like you’re the only one who keeps “messing up,” the only one who can’t get it together.

But suffering and setbacks are part of being human.
They’re part of recovery, too.

This step is about helping you to remember that you are human and not the only one who struggles.

It might sound like “Other people struggle with _____” or “I’m not the only one who feels this way.”

I often tell clients: You were probably taught to treat others how you want to be treated. Try flipping that. Treat yourself how you treat others.

Would you talk to your best friend the way you’re talking to yourself right now? Probably not.

This small mental shift interrupts the isolation and opens the door to perspective.

Step 3: Respond With Care

Once you’ve recognized what’s happening and reminded yourself of your common humanity, the final step is to respond with care.

That could sound like:

“This is really hard, and it makes sense that I feel this way.”

“I’ve been here before — this won’t last forever.”

“What’s one small thing I can do right now that’s helpful?”

Sometimes “care” looks like taking a break from rumination and walking outside. Sometimes it’s reaching out to a therapist or friend. Sometimes it’s saying, I’m doing the best I can right now.

Being tender with yourself isn’t weakness. Think of it like sore muscles after a hard workout: it’s evidence that you’re using new emotional muscles, stretching beyond old patterns.

And what do you do with sore muscles? Sometimes you might ice them. Take a rest day. Or maybe you keep going. You do what you need to do to care for yourself.

So if you feel emotionally tender, try to see it as a sign of strength and growth — with permission to be gentle towards yourself. 

Putting It All Together

Here’s what this might look like in real life.

Let’s say you’re working on exposure therapy for contamination OCD. You’ve been doing well, but one day the anxiety feels stronger, and you give in to the handwashing ritual. Your inner critic jumps in immediately:

“Great, now you’ve ruined everything. You’ll never get better.”

You catch yourself — that’s Step 1.

You take a breath, remembering that setbacks happen to everyone in recovery. You reflect on what you want to do differently next time — Step 2.

And then you say quietly, “I had a tough day. It’s okay to start again tomorrow.” — Step 3.

That response changes the trajectory of the rest of the day. Instead of spiraling into shame, you’ve turned it into a an opportunity to learn something about yourself. You’ve kept yourself in the game.

The Bigger Shift

To extend compassion to yourself isn’t about letting yourself off the hook. It’s about building resilience — the capacity to stay in the process without tearing yourself apart every time you slip.

Each time you meet yourself with understanding instead of blame, you build strength in your recovery process. Flare ups don’t keep you down for long.

And that’s what creates real, sustainable change.

If this is something you want support with, our therapists can help.

At State of Mind Therapy, we use evidence-based approaches like ERP and ACT to help people relate differently to anxiety, OCD, and shame — so you can keep moving forward without beating yourself up along the way.

Schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation to get started.