How to Set Boundaries While Supporting a Loved One with Anxiety and OCD
When someone you love is struggling with anxiety or OCD, you don’t want to see them struggle and would do anything to help them.
You want to make it better, soften the blow, solve the problem. And sometimes, without realizing it, that love turns into over-involvement. You start walking on eggshells. You give up pieces of your own life to keep theirs running. You lose sleep, cancel plans, and find yourself tiptoeing around triggers just to avoid an anxiety spiral.
If you are living with them, you might be wrapped up in their daily compulsions, part of rituals you never meant to join. Maybe you're answering reassurance questions over and over again, following “rules” to keep their anxiety at bay, or getting involved in their treatment in ways that blur healthy lines.
And somewhere along the way, you may have lost yourself in the process.
The truth is: it’s not selfish to need space. It’s not cold to want your peace back.
It’s not unloving to set a boundary.
What Boundaries Are (and What They’re Not)
Let’s be clear—boundaries aren’t about punishment, ultimatums, or walking away. They’re about protecting your own mental health and making the relationship healthier for both of you.
A boundary is simply a limit.
It might sound like:
“I’m not available to talk about this right now, but I care about you.”
“I can’t keep answering the same question. I know that’s hard—I believe you can get through it.”
“I want to support your treatment, but I’m not your therapist.”
Boundaries say:
“I love you, and I love me too.”
When Support Becomes Over-Involvement
There is a fine line between being supportive and being consumed by your loved one’s anxiety or OCD.
You might notice you’re:
Always the one fixing or managing the situation
Trying to “push” them into exposures because they won’t do it themselves
Rearranging your life to accommodate rituals or avoid triggers
More anxious than ever—and you’re not even the one with OCD
Even when your intentions are to help, trying to make someone else change isn’t sustainable for your own wellbeing (or helpful).
In fact, getting overly involved can make things worse. It may reinforce compulsions, delay their own motivation for real change, and cause strain or resentment in your relationship.
Signs You Might Need Healthier Boundaries
Here are some signs that you need to practice healthier boundaries with your loved one:
You feel constantly on edge…especially when around your loved one
You’re spending excessive amounts of your time helping them manage their distress
You’re answering the same worry questions over and over.
You’ve tried to interfere with their compulsions out of frustration and desperation for them to get better.
You’ve stopped doing things you enjoy because you’re exhausted or feel you need to be there for your loved one
If any of this sounds familiar, you’re likely experiencing burn out. And that’s your cue to start making some changes.
What Boundaries Can Look Like (With Examples)
Boundaries don’t have to be cruel or mean. They can be loving, kind, and clear.
On reassurance:
“I know your brain is spiraling right now. I care about you, but I’m not going to answer that again. Let’s try something different.”On emotional availability:
“I’m here for you, but I need a break tonight. Can we talk in the morning?”On compulsions:
“I’m not going to check your work. I know it’s hard—I also know you’ve got this.”On treatment involvement:
“I want to support you, but I can’t run your treatment plan. That’s between you and your therapist.”
It can be hard to remember to say these, so write them down somewhere where you will remember them.
What to Expect When You Set a Boundary
If your loved one is used to you responding in a particular way to their anxiety/OCD, and then you change that pattern, it’s very likely that they will have a strong reaction.
But here’s the thing: that’s ok!
Your loved one not liking the change should not mean that you don’t set the boundary. It will be hard at first, but if you can expect it, then you will be more likely to follow through.
The Hardest Shift: Letting Them (Inspired by Mel Robbins)
There’s a powerful message in Mel Robbins’ book Let Them that hits home here:
“People only change when they want to.”
You can’t force your loved one into therapy or make them stop doing compulsions. No matter how much you want them to. You can only offer hope, encouragement, and support…but the rest is up to them.
And when you step into the role of rescuer, you’re not actually helping.
You might be reinforcing avoidance. You might be delaying the moment they feel discomfort enough to seek real help.
“Rescuing is not support. Enabling is not love.”
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is… let them:
Let then miss the event.
Let them be late.
Let them feel uncomfortable.
Let them sit with the consequences of avoiding.
Not because you don’t care—but because you care enough to stop standing in the way of growth.
Is this hard to watch? 100%. You may need your own outlet for support. Because being close to someone who is struggling can be painful. You’re allowed to get help for yourself, even if they’re not there yet.
Consider reading Let Them by Mel Robbins if this message resonates with you. It’s an empowering, compassionate guide to letting go of control and reclaiming your peace.
Final Thoughts: Boundaries Are an Act of Love
Boundaries don’t mean you don’t care. They mean you’re not willing to lose yourself in someone else’s suffering.
They mean you’re choosing honesty, clarity, and peace over guilt and exhaustion. They mean you’re supporting from a place of strength—not fear.
You can love someone and let them grow.
You can stay present without being consumed.
You can be supportive without being responsible.
Ready for More Support?
If you're looking for additional tips to help you set boundaries without guilt—
👉 Download our free Family Support Guide
This quick resource walks you through how to respond to compulsions, what to say (and not say), and how to support your loved one without losing yourself in the process.
Want something more in-depth?
🗓️ Join the waitlist for our upcoming workshop: Supporting a Loved One with Anxiety & OCD
We’ll dive into what actually helps (and what doesn’t), how to stop walking on eggshells, and how to care for yourself while showing up for someone you love. You’ll be the first to know when we open spots.
