The Trap of Needing to Know: When 100% Certainty Keeps You Stuck
If you’ve ever felt like you can’t relax until you’ve planned, checked, and confirmed every possible detail—where you’re going, what’s on the menu, how it will go—you’re not alone.
The need to be 100% sure is one of anxiety’s most convincing traps. It can feel responsible, even protective. But the truth is, that kind of certainty-seeking often drains your energy and strengthens the very anxiety you’re trying to avoid.
Why your brain craves control
Uncertainty feels uncomfortable because our brains equate “unknown” with “unsafe.” When we don’t know what will happen, anxiety fills in the blanks with worst-case scenarios. Your mind then jumps into problem-solving mode by double-checking, Googling, over planning, or asking for reassurance—all in the name of “being prepared”.
It’s easy to believe this helps. For a moment, having a plan (or three) offers relief. But it’s temporary.
The more we chase certainty, the more fragile our confidence becomes. The comfort we’re creating isn’t real—it’s what you might call fake certainty: a false sense of safety built on trying to prevent a feared outcome.
The hidden cost of over-control
Trying to be sure about everything can start to consume your life. Clients often say to us, “I just feel better when I know what to expect.” But when every outing or decision requires full research and backup plans, anxiety—not confidence—is in charge.
Taylor Swift said it best:
“You should think of your energy as if it’s expensive. As if it’s a luxury item. Not everyone can afford it. Not everyone has invested in you in order to be able to have the capital for you to care about this.”
Anxiety spends that precious energy quickly. It convinces you that every uncertainty deserves your full attention. But most don’t. You can care deeply without giving your energy to every possible “what if.”
Planning vs. over-controlling
Planning is useful when it helps you take reasonable action in the present. Over-control happens when you plan to eliminate all discomfort or guarantee nothing goes wrong.
For example, if there’s a snowstorm coming, preparation might look like packing your car with warm gear and driving slower than usual. Over-control would look like staying up all night researching every possible accident route or checking the forecast every 10 minutes. One is effective planning; the other is anxiety pretending to be helpful.
How to let go (without feeling reckless)
Letting go doesn’t mean being careless. It means recognizing that total certainty is impossible—and choosing to trust yourself instead.
Here’s what that process looks like in therapy and real life:
1️⃣ Notice the impact.
Start by asking: Is this actually helping me feel more capable—or just momentarily less anxious? Seeing that over-control isn’t effective makes change feel less “reckless” and more reasonable.
2️⃣ Practice acceptance.
Try saying: “I don’t have to know right now…and that’s okay.” You’re not denying the discomfort; you’re allowing it. Compassion helps you soften around the not-knowing instead of fighting it.
3️⃣ Test it in small ways.
Skip checking the restaurant menu. Let someone else choose the plan. Go for a walk without mapping the exact route. These small “uncertainty reps” strengthen your tolerance—what we call the mental gym for anxiety.
What real confidence looks like
Confidence doesn’t come from being sure—it comes from knowing you can handle not being sure. When you build that muscle, your world opens up. You say yes to experiences that used to feel too risky, and you find energy for things that actually matter to you.
Because certainty isn’t safety. Flexibility is.
Try this this week:
Ask yourself: Where do I spend too much energy trying to be 100% sure?
Try one “uncertainty rep” in a small, safe way.
Reflect: How did I handle it? What did I learn about myself?
If your mind keeps chasing certainty, therapy can help you learn how to let go with compassion and build real confidence in its place.
Take the next step by scheduling your free consultation with State of Mind Therapy.