Stop Should-ing Yourself (and 6 Other Word Swaps That Calm Anxiety)

Words matter more than we often realize. They don’t just describe what’s happening. They also shape how we think, feel, and respond.

One small shift in your words can add weight to anxiety, keep you stuck in cycles of avoidance, or pile on shame. On the other hand, shifting your language can open the door to growth, courage, and relief.

That’s why, when we’re working with clients, we often pause to notice the language they use about themselves and their struggles. Sometimes we’ll even lighten the moment with a playful phrase—like, “don’t should all over yourself.” It gets a laugh, but it also leads to a rich discussion about how our words aren’t neutral. Our language can either fuel anxiety or help us loosen its grip.

Below are seven of our favorite word shifts. We’ve included examples for general anxiety, OCD, and even flight anxiety, plus a tiny practice you can try right away.

1) “I should…” 

You’ve probably said things like:

• “I should be further along than this.”
  
  

• “I should be able to handle my anxiety.”
  
  

Why it backfires: “Should” statements add pressure and judgment. They carry an undertone of shame…as if you’ve already failed. In ACT terms, “should” fuses you to a rigid rule and disconnects you from values-based action in the moment.

Try instead: Turn “should” into “could” or “would like to”.

• “I want to take a step forward.”
  
  

• “I could work on this today.”
  
  

• “It would like to practice this skill.”
  
  

Examples:

• OCD: “I should stop ruminating” → “I’d like to practice redirecting my attention for 2 minutes.”
  
  

• Flight anxiety: “I should be able to get on a plane” → “I could get on a plane”
  
  

Practice: When you hear “should,” ask: “how could I rephrase this to be more gentle and acknowledge the choices I have?”

2) “I’ll try…” 

One of my favorite phrases is “trying is lying.” I first learned this when working in a chemical dependency treatment center, and it has stuck ever since.

Why it backfires: “Try” is a built‑in escape hatch. “I’ll try to face my fear” often means “I’m not committing, and if it doesn’t happen, I still get credit.” Your brain hears the loophole and defaults to avoidance when anxious.

Try instead: Replace “try” with do or will. Keep it specific and small:

• “I will sit with this urge for 60 seconds.”
  
  

• “I will board the flight and practice paced breathing during taxi.”
  
  

• “I will let this intrusive thought be and return to my task.”
  
  

Practice: Write a one‑line “will” statement for today. If it feels too big, shrink the action until it’s doable in under 2 minutes.

3) “But…” 

“But” is a word that cancels what came before:

• “I totally get what you’re saying, but…”
  
  

• “I know it’s not likely, but it’s possible.”
  
  

Why it backfires: In relationships, “but” invites defensiveness. In anxiety work, it dismisses what you already know and trust. It keeps you stuck in either/or thinking.

Try instead: Use “and.”

• “I totally get what you’re saying, and I want to share my perspective.”
  
  

• “I know I’m not likely to get sick, and I know that it’s possible. Anything can happen.”
  
  

Why it helps: “And” creates space for both/and truths—discomfort and action. Validation AND limits. Fear AND values.

Practice: Catch one “but” today and replace it with “and.” Read the sentence aloud. Notice how different it lands.

4) “I always…

All‑or‑nothing words fuel hopelessness:

• “I’ll always feel anxious.”
  
  

• “I’ll never get better.”
  
  

Why it backfires: Absolutes trick your brain into treating a temporary state as a permanent identity. This makes your motivation drops and lead to more avoidance.

Try instead: Ground in time‑limited, present moment language:

• “Right now, I feel anxious.”
  
  

• “Sometimes anxiety shows up.”
  
  

Examples:

• OCD: “I always give in to compulsions” → “Sometimes I give in, and sometimes I practice resisting.”
  
  

• Flight anxiety: “I never handle turbulence well” → “Right now, turbulence feels intense, and I can use my tools.”
  
  

Practice: Add the phrase “right now” to one stuck thought and see how it changes your next step.

5) “I can’t…” 

When we say “I can’t,” it’s often not about ability, but instead, it’s about avoidance: “I can’t stop worrying. I can’t face that fear.”

Why it backfires: “Can’t” reinforces powerlessness and turns effort into a pass/fail test. Your nervous system hears “impossible” and stops experimenting.

Try instead: Say “won’t” or “I don’t want to”

• “I won’t choose to shift my focus right now.”
  
  

• “I don’t want to practice my exposure today.”
  
  

It may sound harsher at first, but “won’t” or “I don’t want to” is more honest. It puts the decision back in your hands, and with ownership comes possibility: you can choose differently next moment.

Where this shows up:

• Rumination: “I can’t stop thinking about it” → “I won’t step out of the thought loop yet.”
  
  

• Avoidance: “I can’t fly” → “I don’t want to face my fear of flying.”
  
  

Practice: Practice owning your decision to not do something. You’re not perfect. You’re not always going to challenge yourself even when you know it’s the best thing for you in the long run. But own it.

6) Add “Yet”

“Yet” is small but powerful. Add it to the end of a sentence and the whole story changes:

• “I can’t handle this… yet.”
  
  

• “I don’t know how to face my fear… yet.”
  
  

Why it helps: “Yet” cues growth and psychological flexibility. It reminds your brain that ability is built with reps, any progress doesn’t happen overnight.

Practice: Pick one skill you’re building (exposure step, sitting with uncertainty, tolerating uncomfortable sensations). Write a “yet” mantra for it and put it on your phone lock screen for a week.

7) “Panic attack” 

Words around panic shape how frightening it feels. And the word “attack” sounds like danger is coming for you. No wonder it’s terrifying.

Try instead: Call it what it is physiologically: an adrenaline wave. The body released a big dose of adrenaline and your system will metabolize it with time.

Why it helps: This shift acknowledges intensity without the story of being under attack. One client told us that hearing this for the first time completely changed how she approached getting on a plane because it allowed her to see panic as temporary and ride it out with skills instead of bracing for disaster.

Bonus swap: “My anxiety” → “My mind is telling me…”

This one isn’t a single word, but it’s a powerful diffusion move. Instead of “my anxiety is ruining my day,” try, “my mind is telling me this is dangerous.” You’re not arguing with thoughts—just noticing them as mental events. That distance makes room for choice.

Practice: For one day, try using the phrase “My mind is telling me…” Notice how it changes your urge to engage with them.

Final Thoughts

These may seem like small changes, but don’t forget: language matters. The words you use shape your relationship with anxiety, panic, OCD—and with yourself. When you shift “should” into choice, “but” into “and,” or “panic attack” into “adrenaline wave,” you’re not just changing vocabulary—you’re changing how your brain and body respond in the moment.

Pick one language shift to practice this week. Keep it visible. Tell a supportive person what you’re trying. And if you notice the old words sneaking back in, that’s normal. Smile, correct the sentence, and keep going. Skills grow with reps.

If you’d like a guide as you build these habits—or you’re ready to apply them to exposure work for anxiety, OCD, or flight anxiety—we’re here to help.

Ready to shift your language—and your relationship with anxiety? Schedule your free 15‑minute consultation with one of our therapists today.