When You Love Someone With Anxiety, “Protecting Them” Makes Sense… and Might Be Keeping Them Stuck
If someone you love struggles with anxiety, panic, OCD, or a specific phobia, your instincts kick in fast.
You want to help. You want to reduce their distress. You want to prevent the thing that scares them from happening. So you start doing small, loving things—often without even thinking:
You avoid certain topics around them.
You don’t tell them when you’re not feeling well.
You quietly change plans so they won’t spiral.
You handle the “hard part” for them.
You reassure them, explain, double-check, or “make sure” they’re okay.
From the outside, it looks like support. And in the moment? It often works. Their anxiety drops and is able to move forward. There is peace… for now.
But here’s the part that’s hard to hear:
The short-term relief that comes from protecting someone can unintentionally train their anxiety to get stronger.
This isn’t because you’re intentionally doing anything wrong. It’s because anxiety learns from outcomes.
Why Protecting Someone Makes So Much Sense
Let’s name the truth: if someone you love is panicking, it’s brutally painful to witness. Watching them suffer can bring up your own fear, guilt, or urgency:
I don’t want them to feel this way.
I don’t want to make it worse.
If I can prevent this, I should.
I’ll just handle it this time.
That’s not weakness. That’s attachment. That’s caregiving. And above all, that’s love.
And in real danger, protecting people is exactly what we’re supposed to do. The problem is that anxiety treats discomfort like danger, even when it isn’t. And when we respond to anxiety like it’s danger too, we accidentally reinforce the fear.
The Difference Between Support and Accommodation
Support says: “I’m with you” and “you’ve got this.”
Accommodation says: “We need to make sure you never have to feel this.”
Accommodation usually looks like:
Changing the environment to remove triggers
Helping someone avoid the feared situation
Offering repeated reassurance or certainty
Doing the “scary” task for them
Keeping secrets to prevent them from worrying
It often comes from a caring place. But it teaches one core message: “This situation is so threatening that you need help to get through it.”
And that’s the exact message anxiety wants your loved one to believe.
Why Accommodation Makes Anxiety Stronger Over Time
Here’s the cycle:
Your loved one feels anxious.
You protect them (reassure, avoid, rescue, cover).
Their anxiety drops.
Their brain learns: “That worked. We need that again next time.”
That’s how anxiety gets trained. So over time, your loved one may become:
more sensitive to triggers
more dependent on reassurance
more avoidant
more vigilant and on edge
Even though everyone is trying so hard to keep things calm.
The “Mirroring” Effect: Why Your Reaction Matters
When someone has anxiety, they’re constantly scanning:
How serious is this?
Can I handle it?
Is this dangerous?
They take cues from the people around them.
So if a family member or partner is:
tiptoeing around topics
hiding information
quickly fixing or preventing discomfort
…their nervous system often interprets that as:
“Everyone agrees this is unsafe.”
This is why loved ones responses matter so much in recovery. Your response helps shape what anxiety believes.
What It Looks Like to Help Without Feeding Anxiety
Here’s the shift we want:
Instead of preventing discomfort, we want to communicate:
“This is uncomfortable—but it’s manageable.”
That’s the sweet spot.
It doesn’t minimize the fear.
It doesn’t shame them for having it.
It doesn’t force exposure in a harsh way.
It simply stops cooperating with the anxiety.
What this can sound like
I can see you’re anxious. I’m here.
I’m not going to reassure you about this, but I know you can handle the uncertainty.
We’re not going to reorganize our whole day around the fear.
You can be uncomfortable and still be okay.
Let’s focus on what you want to do next, even with anxiety here.
This is supportive, steady, and calm.
And it helps your loved one learn the real skill:
Tolerating discomfort without escaping.
“But Won’t That Make Them More Anxious?”
In the short-term: yes, it might.
When you stop accommodating, anxiety often spikes first. That doesn’t mean you’re harming them. It means the pattern is changing.
Think of it like physical therapy:
If someone has avoided using an injured muscle, the first time they use it again… it’s uncomfortable. But that discomfort is part of rebuilding strength.
It’s the same with anxiety and phobias.
Your loved one doesn’t get stronger by avoiding the hard moment. They get stronger by staying with it long enough for their brain to learn:“I can handle this.”
A Practical Way to Start Reducing Accommodations
If you’re used to protecting someone, going cold-turkey can feel harsh. So start small.
Step 1: Name what you normally do
I usually reassure.
I usually hide information.
I usually take over the task.
I usually change plans.
Step 2: Choose one small change
Offer presence instead of reassurance
Pause before “fixing”
Let them feel the wave without immediately interrupting it
Step 3: Stay kind and firm
You can be warm and not accommodate.
That’s the goal.
What If You’re Also Anxious?
Sometimes loved ones accommodate because they’re anxious too. It’s stressful to sit with someone else’s panic. It can feel easier to:
reassure them so you feel better
avoid conflict
prevent the feared outcome so you can relax
If that’s you, you’re not alone. In fact, accommodating is the normal thing to do.
But supporting someone through anxiety often requires you to practice the same thing your loved one has to practice:
tolerating discomfort without scrambling to fix it.
If You Love Them, Don’t Help Their Anxiety Win
If there’s one takeaway we want you to remember, it’s this:
Protecting someone from discomfort is not the same as helping them recover.
The most loving thing you can do is often:
stay steady
stop rescuing
remind them (with your actions) that they can cope
That’s the message that changes anxiety long-term.
Want Help Navigating This as a Family, Couple, or Support System?
If you’re supporting someone with anxiety, OCD, or a phobia—and you’re not sure what “helpful” looks like anymore—we can help.
In therapy, we teach both the person struggling and the loved ones around them how to respond in ways that support recovery.
Schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation to get started.