How to Stop Reinforcing Anxiety: Practical Ways to Reduce Safety Behaviors
When you live with anxiety, it’s easy to fall into habits that feel protective.
You might check your body for symptoms of a medical condition or illness. Or maybe you avoid certain places or situations like sitting in the middle row at the movie theater. Or you find yourself always asking others if you’ll be ok.
These habits—called safety behaviors—can make you feel safe and more in control in the moment.
But the thing is, these behaviors backfire.
The more we rely on safety behaviors, the more anxiety sticks around.
Your goal isn’t to get rid of anxiety completely. It’s to stop reinforcing the cycle.
And that starts with understanding what safety behaviors are—and how to begin reducing them over time so that you can build confidence in yourself and create new beliefs about your ability to handle hard things.
What Are Safety Behaviors?
Safety behaviors are anything we do to:
prevent a feared outcome
reduce anxiety quickly
or create a sense of certainty
Safety behaviors can show up in different ways:
Always carrying a water bottle with you in case you get hot or nauseous
Having to do research in advance of where you are going or what you are doing
Always carrying medication “just in case”
Sitting in a specific seat on an airplane
For example:
Someone with emetophobia might always carry gum, mints, or water in case of experiencing nausea
Someone with health anxiety might constantly check symptoms or seek multiple consultations
Someone with panic disorder might avoid caffeine or traveling too far away from home
All of these have one thing in common. They bring short-term relief. And that’s exactly why they stick.
Why Safety Behaviors Keep Anxiety Going
Every time you use a safety behavior, your brain learns something. And if you used something like a safety behavior, it will give the credit to the safety behavior instead of you.
And over time:
You lose confidence in your ability to handle situations without these safety behaviors
Your list of safety behaviors grows
Your world gets smaller
What starts as “just in case” becomes “I can’t handle this without it” over time.
Why Reducing Safety Behaviors Works (Even When It Feels Hard)
When you start reducing safety behaviors, your brain gets new evidence:
“I felt anxious—and I was okay.”
“I didn’t check—and nothing bad happened.”
“I handled uncertainty.”
That’s how the power of anxiety changes over time. Not through endless reassurance, making yourself calm, or deep breathing. But through experience.
This is the foundation of evidence-based approaches like CBT and ERP—and it’s what actually helps anxiety lose its grip.
Step 1: Identify Your Safety Behaviors
Start with awareness.
Ask yourself:
What do I do to feel safe or certain?
What do I avoid?
What do I check or repeat?
You might notice patterns like:
Checking your body, symptoms, or surroundings
Cleaning, organizing, or controlling your environment
Seeking reassurance from others or online
Avoiding discomfort entirely
Then ask:
What am I afraid will happen if I don’t do this?
What do I feel right after I do it?
If skipping it creates anxiety—and doing it brings relief—it’s likely a safety behavior.
Step 2: Choose One Small Target
You don’t need to eliminate these behaviors all at once. In fact, trying to do too much too quickly usually backfires.
Instead, pick one safety behavior.
For example:
Wait a few minutes before checking
Skip asking for reassurance once
Stay in a situation slightly longer than usual
Touch something you normally avoid
Step 3: Use the “Delay Technique”
When the urge hits, don’t fight it or immediately give in. Delay it.
Tell yourself:
“This is an urge, not an emergency.”
“I can feel uncomfortable for a few minutes.”
Start small:
1–2 minutes
then build to 5–10 minutes
What you’ll notice over time is that urges rise…and then fall. You don’t actually need to act on them.
Step 4: Do It Anyway (Small Exposure Builds Confidence)
Sometimes the most powerful move is simple…do the thing anxiety tells you not to do.
Eat the food
Stay in the situation
Skip the check
Share the drink
Don’t Google the symptom
Practicing facing your fear over and over again without the use of safety behaviors will not be a quick fix (or an easy one). But the work pays off when you are consistent.
Because each time you do this, your brain learns “discomfort isn’t danger.” And confidence builds from there.
Step 5: Challenge the “Rational” Story
Anxiety is good at sounding logical. You might think, “it’s not harming anything” or “I’ll bring it just in case.” And sometimes—that’s true.
But here’s the key question:
Is this about safety… or about anxiety?
Try asking yourself:
Would I tell a friend this is necessary?
What would happen if I didn’t do this?
Am I trying to feel better—or be in control?
You can even respond directly to your anxiety:
“Nice try. I don’t need to do that” or “We’re doing something different now.”
A little attitude back to anxiety goes a long way.
Step 6: Know the Difference Between Comfort and Safety
Not all coping is a problem. Sometimes the comfort and coping skills you use are helping you stay present.
grounding
slow breathing
holding a fidget
listening to music
That’s different from behaviors you need to feel okay.If skipping something would spike your anxiety significantly, it may be acting as a safety behavior.
The goal isn’t to remove all comfort. It’s to remove dependence.
Step 7: Expect Setbacks (They’re Part of Progress)
You will slip back into old patterns sometimes. That doesn’t mean you will be stuck back at square one. Setbacks are part of the process.
What matters is:
noticing it
interrupting it sooner
trying again
Every time you choose discomfort over avoidance, you’re building something important:
confidence in your ability to handle uncertainty.
What Progress Actually Looks Like
Progress isn’t feeling calm all the time.
It might look like:
Catching yourself mid-check
Delaying a behavior instead of immediately doing it
Staying in situations longer
Thinking about your fear less—or recovering faster
These are real, meaningful shifts. And they add up, like pennies in the bank over time.
Ready for Support?
If anxiety is still running the show, you don’t have to figure this out on your own.
At State of Mind Therapy, we use evidence-based approaches like CBT, ERP, and ACT to help you reduce safety behaviors and build real confidence.
Should You Tell a Flight Attendant You’re Anxious? Pros, Cons, and a Script
If you have flight anxiety, you’ve probably heard advice to tell a flight attendant that you’re nervous. So is it a good idea? Let's talk about it.
For a lot of people, this question isn’t just logistical—it’s emotional.
Because underneath it is something deeper:
What if I make a scene?
What if they think I’m dramatic or a problem on the flight?
I don’t want others to hear me, what will they think of me?
And at the same time:
I can’t let anyone see me panicking
I feel so afraid now.
So let’s walk through the pros and cons of informing the flight attendants of feeling anxious on the plane.
First: There’s No “Right” Answer
You do not have to tell a flight attendant you’re anxious.
And you’re also allowed to.
This isn’t a test of whether you’re “doing exposure correctly” or whether you’re “strong enough” to handle things on your own.
Instead, the better question is:
👉 Why would I be telling them?
👉 And how will I relate to that choice?
Because the same action can either:
reduce pressure and support you
orreinforce anxiety and safety behaviors
When Telling a Flight Attendant Can Be Helpful
For many people, sharing ahead of time can actually lower the overall intensity of the experience.
Here’s why:
1. It reduces the pressure to “look okay”
A lot of flight anxiety isn’t just about the sensations—it’s about being seen having them.
When you’re trying to hide your anxiety symptoms, it adds another layer of pressure and tension.
Letting a flight attendant know can take that pressure off:
“I don’t have to pretend. Someone already knows.”
2. It softens the fear of “what if something happens?”
By telling a flight attendant, they will have a heads-up and likely check-in with you throughout the flight. This can make a big difference in your experience because you are not left to flag down a flight attendant mid-panic.
That alone can lower anticipatory anxiety.
When It Can Become Unhelpful
This is where nuance matters.
Telling a flight attendant can be helpful—but it can also turn into a safety behavior depending on how you’re using it.
1. If you need them to make you feel “safe”
If the goal is:
“They’ll reassure me nothing bad will happen”
“They’ll stop the panic”
“I’ll be okay as long as they’re checking on me”
…it can keep you stuck.
Not because support is bad—but because your brain starts linking:
👉 “I can only get through anxiety with the help of someone else.”
2. If it becomes something you feel like you have to do
If you start thinking:
“I can’t get on the plane unless I tell them”
“If I don’t say something, I won’t be able to handle it”
That’s a sign it’s becoming a requirement and not a choice.
And anxiety tends to grow around anything that feels required.
3. If you’re using it to avoid feeling discomfort
This is subtle, but important.
The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety before it starts.
The goal is to build your capacity to feel it without spiraling or escaping.
So if telling a flight attendant is being used to prevent any discomfort, it can backfire long-term.
A More Helpful Way to Think About It
Instead of asking:
“Should I tell them or not?”
Try this:
I can tell them
I don’t have to
My ability to get through the flight doesn’t depend on it
That mindset keeps the power with you.
A Simple, Low-Pressure Script
If you do decide to tell a flight attendant, it doesn’t need to be a big conversation.
In fact, simpler is better.
You might say something like:
“Hi, I just wanted to let you know I’m a bit of a nervous flyer. Sometimes I feel anxious or a little sick. I don’t need anything right now—I just wanted to give you a heads up.”
That’s it.
No over-explaining.
No apologizing.
No asking for reassurance.
Just giving them a heads-up.
If Saying It Out Loud Feels Like Too Much
If publicly sharing your anxiety about flying isn’t for you, there are some other options.
Call the airline the day before your flights
Mention it briefly while boarding
Or even hand over a short note
Something like:
“I’m a nervous flyer sitting in row 16A, just wanted to give you a heads up.”
This can be especially helpful if you are concerned about drawing attention to you or already feeling activated.
What Matters More Than the Decision
Whether you tell them or not is not what determines how the flight goes.
What matters more is how you respond when anxiety shows up:
Can you notice sensations without immediately trying to stop them?
Can you let thoughts be there without answering every “what if”?
Can you come back to what you’d be doing if anxiety wasn’t in charge?
Watching something.
Resting.
Working.
Looking out the window.
Anxiety might still be there.
But it doesn’t have to run the entire experience.
A Final Thought
Not sure whether or not this is a good idea? Try it out! You won’t know what helps until you give it a go.
You might:
tell them on one flight and not on another
try it and decide it’s not for you
That’s all part of the process.
The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety before you fly.
It’s to learn, gradually:
👉 I can handle this—even when it’s uncomfortable.
If you’re working on flight anxiety and want more structured support, the Fearful Flyers Blueprint walks you through exactly how to break the fear cycle—without relying on avoidance or quick fixes.
The Hidden Emotional Toll of Supporting Someone with OCD
If you love someone with OCD, there’s a good chance you’ve felt things you didn’t expect.
Frustration.
Guilt.
Resentment.
Exhaustion.
And then maybe… guilt for feeling those things at all.
Because you love them.
And you want to help.
But somehow, no matter how much you try, it still feels hard.
The Part No One Talks About
When someone has OCD, it doesn’t just affect them.
It affects:
Relationships
Routines
Decision-making
Emotional bandwidth
It can feel like OCD slowly starts taking up space in your life too.
And that can be really disorienting.
Why Helping Feels So Confusing
Most people respond to anxiety the same way:
👉 Reduce it as quickly as possible.
So you:
Reassure
Step in
Help them avoid triggers
Try to solve the problem
Because that’s what makes sense.
And sometimes… it even works in the moment.
But then it comes back.
Stronger. Louder. More demanding.
The Trap: When Helping Starts to Hurt
This is where many loved ones get stuck.
You start to notice:
You’re answering the same questions over and over
You’re changing your behavior to prevent distress
You feel responsible for how they feel
And slowly:
👉 Your world starts to shrink too.
This is not a failure.
It’s a very common response to something that’s really hard.
The Emotional Toll (That Makes Total Sense)
Many loved ones experience:
Guilt → “Am I doing this wrong?”
Anger → “Why is this still happening?”
Resentment → “This is affecting my life too.”
Grief → “Things didn’t used to be like this.”
These are not signs that you don’t care.
They are signs that you do.
The Shift That Changes Everything
At some point, support has to shift from:
👉 “How do I make this go away?”
to
👉 “How do I help them handle this?”
That’s a very different role.
It means:
Allowing discomfort
Setting boundaries
Not fixing everything
And yes—it can feel like the hardest thing to do.
You’re Allowed to Exist in This Too
One of the most important things to remember:
👉 You matter in this dynamic too.
Your needs.
Your limits.
Your emotional experience.
Supporting someone with OCD doesn’t mean losing yourself.
You Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone
There is a way to:
Support your loved one
Reduce OCD’s impact
And feel more grounded in the process
Therapy can help you understand what’s happening and how to respond in a way that actually creates change.
Why Anxiety Feels Worse at Night
If you experience heightened anxiety at night, it’s a common struggle. It’s like when the house gets quiet, anxiety gets loud. It’s not fair. You didn’t ask for this, but here it is.
In this blog, I will provide you with some possibilities for why anxiety feel louder at night.
First of all, lets keep in mind that during the day, your mind has somewhere to go.
You’re answering messages, moving between tasks, having conversations, solving problems.
Even if anxiety is there, it’s competing with everything else.
But at night?
Everything slows down.
The distractions fade. The noise disappears. The responsibilities pause.
And suddenly, your brain has space.
For many people with anxiety or OCD, nighttime becomes the time when anxiety can be the most challenging to manage.
Thoughts that felt manageable during the day start to spiral.
Your brain starts scanning.
“What if something’s wrong?”
“What if something happens tonight?”
“What if I can’t handle it?”
And just like that, your body goes into action mode.
So your heart rate increases. Muscles tense. Awareness sharpens.
It feels like something is wrong even when nothing actually is.
There are real reasons this happens.
Why Anxiety Often Feels Worse at Night
1. There’s less distraction
During the day, your brain is busy. Structure, conversations, and responsibilities act as buffers. At night, those buffers disappear. And your brain does what it’s wired to do when there’s space: it starts to scan for problems.
2. Your brain is already tired
By nighttime, your mental energy is depleted. You’ve spent the day making decisions, managing emotions, and navigating life. That exhaustion lowers your ability to challenge anxious thoughts. So instead of questioning them, your brain defaults to familiar patterns: fear, “what if” thinking, and worst-case scenarios.
3. Your body is more noticeable
At night, your body is still. And when you’re still, you feel more. A small sensation — like nausea, a tight chest, or a shift in breathing — suddenly feels so much more noticeable.
…and there’s nothing else competing for your attention. So your brain zooms in. And once it zooms in, it starts interpreting.
4. Your brain learns patterns
If anxiety or panic has happened at night before, your brain remembers. It starts to associate nighttime with danger. So even before anything happens, your brain prepares. Night becomes a cue. Not for rest — but for vigilance and worry about if you are going to be panicking again tonight.
The Nighttime Anxiety Spiral
Here’s what often happens…You’re lying in bed, and then:
→ Your brain checks for danger
→ A “what if” thought appears
→ Your body reacts (adrenaline, tension, alertness)
→ You become more aware
→ You scan more
→ The spiral builds
Common thoughts might sound like:
“What if something happens tonight?”
“What if I actually caused something bad to happen earlier?”
“What if someone gets sick?”
“What if I can’t handle it?”
“What if I start to panic and am up all night?”
Why Anticipatory Anxiety Is So Exhausting
Nighttime anxiety is often fueled by anticipatory anxiety.
That constant sense of “I might have anxiety tonight and then won’t be able to sleep.”
This can look like:
Watching your child for signs they might get sick
Checking your body for symptoms
Mentally rehearsing worst-case scenarios
Trying to stay one step ahead of uncertainty
And here’s why it’s so draining….your brain never turns off.
It stays in alert mode.
It keeps scanning, preparing, predicting.
You don’t get to fully rest — even when nothing is happening.
And over time, something subtle shifts:
The fear of not sleeping or anticipating something bad happening becomes more exhausting than the event itself.
What Actually Helps When Nighttime Anxiety Starts
I’m not into “quick fixes” or telling something to “just relax.” I believe that the only path to more peace is when you make realistic shifts that change your relationship with the anxiety.
1. Interrupt the spiral
If your brain is looping in bed, staying there often makes it louder.
Try:
Getting out of bed
Changing rooms
Turning on a dim light
Doing something simple (reading, stretching, folding laundry)
You’re changing the environment it’s feeding off of. Over time, your brain can start to associate your bed with sleep, not worry and rumination.
2. Let the thoughts exist
Instead of arguing with every thought:
Try: “Yeah, that could happen.”
It sounds counterintuitive. But when you stop fighting the thought, you remove the struggle that requires all of your time, effort, and energy.
3. Use humor or exaggeration
Anxiety thrives on seriousness. And humor is a great way to change how you relate to all those what if thoughts.
For example: Your automatic anxious thought might say “What if I panic on the flight?” Your less serious response might sound like: “Of course. Wouldn’t be a trip without my overly enthusiastic nervous system.”
It doesn’t eliminate anxiety.
But it weakens its authority.
4. Remember you’re not the only one awake
Anxiety loves isolation.
It makes you believe that you’re crazy and nobody else thinks or feels this way. But at any given moment, thousands of people are lying awake having the exact same thoughts.
You’re not uniquely broken.
You’re experiencing a very human struggle.
5. Practice self-compassion instead of self-criticism
The spiral often gets worse when you start being hard on yourself. Thoughts like “Why am I like this?” or “I should be able to handle this” can wreak havoc on your self-worth.
Try shifting to:
“This is hard right now.”
“I’m doing the best I can in this moment.”
That shift doesn’t make it all better.
But it removes the second layer of suffering.
Nighttime Anxiety Doesn’t Mean You’re Failing
Feeling anxious at night doesn’t mean you’re doing recovery wrong. It doesn’t mean you’re back at square one. Progress doesn’t look like never feeling anxious again. It looks like:
Feeling anxious and still staying present
Feeling scared and still getting through the night
Feeling uncertain and still continuing forward
Two steps forward and one step backward.
That’s real progress. Even if it doesn’t feel like it.
When the Night Feels Long
Nighttime anxiety can make the world feel smaller, quieter, and more lonely.
But here’s what’s also true:
Your brain is trying to protect you. These spiraling thoughts are common. And you are capable of getting through moments that feel overwhelming.
Even when your mind is loud, the night still passes. And so does the anxiety.
Next Steps for Help with Anxiety at Bedtime
Working with a therapist can help you understand your patterns, build tools that actually work, and help you change your relationship with anxiety — not just during the day, but at night too.
What I Notice at Our MSP Airport Workshop for Fear of Flying (And Why It Matters)
We just wrapped up our sixth workshop at MSP International Airport for anxious flyers.
And at this point, there are a few things I don’t even wonder about anymore because I see them every single time.
At the start of each workshop, we ask a simple question:
“How many of you are afraid of the plane crashing… versus something else?”
Almost every time, about 70% of people raise their hand for “something else.”
And while that number stands out, what matters more is what comes next.
Because even for the people who do say they’re afraid of the plane crashing, when we start talking more, there’s usually something underneath it.
It’s not just about what they believe to be the “worst case scenario.”.
It’s about the experience of being in it.
The uncertainty.
The lack of control.
The question of, “What if I can’t handle it?”
What Actually Shows Up
From the outside, fear of flying can look very different from person to person.
One person might be worried about turbulence.
Another about feeling trapped.
Another about getting sick on the plane.
Another about panicking and not being able to leave.
But underneath those different fears, there are a few common threads that connect almost everyone in the room.
Uncertainty. Lack of control. And a tendency to underestimate how well you’d actually cope if anxiety showed up.
I see this even in subtle ways.
Someone can look completely calm on the outside but when I check in with them, they’ll say something like, “I’m hanging in there.”
That’s often the reality of anxiety. It’s not always loud or visible…but it’s there.
What Surprises People the Most
One of the things I’ve come to witness each and every time is the shared connection participants feel when they are in a room full of others who get it.
Before the workshop even starts, there’s this moment where people look around are struck by how many people are there because they are struggling with the same fear and anxiety when it comes to flying.
I’ve had participants share that they felt emotional just seeing how many others experience the same fear.
And as the workshop goes on and people begin talking with each other and that feeling only grows.
Because while the specific fears may be different, the experience of anxiety is incredibly similar.
“What If Being Around Other Anxious People Makes It Worse?”
This is something I don’t always hear out loud but I know people think about it.
There’s often a concern that being around other anxious flyers will make things more intense…
or that the group will somehow feed off each other’s fear.
What I see, over and over again, is the opposite.
People feel more grounded.
More understood.
Less alone.
There’s something powerful about being in an environment where you don’t have to explain yourself.
Where people just get it.
And instead of anxiety escalating, what tends to happen is that people begin to settle into the experience because they’re not carrying it by themselves anymore.
Why This Matters
If your fear of flying feels very specific—like it’s about turbulence, or panic, or getting sick, or the plane itself—it can feel isolating.
Like your fear is different.
Like you’re the only one who reacts this way.
But what I see every time we run this workshop is that, at the core, people are navigating very similar challenges.
Uncertainty. Lack of control. And the belief that they won’t be able to handle what they feel.
And those are things that can actually be worked with.
Not by eliminating anxiety completely—but by changing how you relate to it.
If You’ve Been Thinking About It…
If you’ve ever thought about coming to something like this but felt unsure…
You’re not alone in that either.
People show up nervous. We’ve even had people who didn’t show up because it felt like too much. And many others were surprised by how much more confidence they grew from a practice run in an actual airport and sitting in a real aircraft.
Our MSP airport workshop is designed to give you the opportunity to be in that environment—to learn, observe, ask questions, and begin facing the fear in a way that feels manageable and supported.
And maybe most importantly, to see that you’re not the only one navigating this.
If you’ve been considering it, we’d love to have you join us at a future Navigating Flight Anxiety at MSP Airport event.