Supporting OCD and Anxiety: What Your Loved One Wishes You Understood
OCD and anxiety don't just affect the individuals living with them; their loved ones are equally impacted. Family members often grapple with frustration and uncertainty, not knowing how to best support their loved one in their struggle.
In this article, you'll hear insights shared by OCD sufferers about what they find most helpful from their loved ones and what their loved ones should avoid.
Understand Their Unique Experience with OCD
First and foremost, it's essential to acknowledge that OCD and anxiety aren't one-size-fits-all experiences. Some people experience physical compulsions, while others are experiencing mental compulsions (often referred to as Pure O).
Internally, individuals with OCD experience a significant mental burden, even if it's not apparent to others, making their daily lives mentally exhausting.
It’s important to resist the urge to normalize their experience. Even if you can relate or have OCD yourself, remember that you can never fully understand their experience. Instead, be a good listener and validate their feelings. For example, say, "That sounds like it's painful for you to live with."
OCD is often misunderstood, and its impact goes beyond common stereotypes like contamination-related OCD. Just because you don’t see them doing compulsions, doesn’t mean they aren’t experiencing OCD. Learn about the various sub-types of OCD here.
Action Steps:
If your loved one mentions their struggles, trust them, even if you can't see any outward signs of distress.
Respect their word and ask them how you can support them.
Always be willing to correct any mistaken assumptions about their state of mind.
If you don’t feel like you understand OCD, take the time to fully educate yourself by reading reputable books or visiting trustworthy websites.
Be a Safe Haven for Your Loved One with OCD
Having safe people in their lives to share the raw truth of their OCD journey can be a game-changer.
Clients of mine have shared that they felt most supported when they were encouraged to be completely authentic and not have to always pretend that everything is "fine." Just letting them be themselves can lift a significant weight from their shoulders.
OCD should not be downplayed. Even if the person with OCD knows their thinking doesn’t make sense, it still feels very real to them and difficult to handle, so take them seriously and treat them with compassion.
Action Steps:
Do not laugh at them or tease them about it having OCD.
When your loved one opens up to you, try to maintain a calm demeanor. A strong reaction may discourage them from sharing their thoughts, as they may feel like they're causing you distress or can't trust you with their concerns.
Thank your loved one for opening up to you.
Validate their experience by saying “this sounds really painful” or “I can see how this is confusing to you. You don’t want to do this but feel like you can’t stop.”
What to Do When Your Loved One is Engaging in Compulsions
It's natural to feel frustrated when your loved one engages in compulsions, but getting angry won't help. Remember, they don't want to perform these rituals; they feel compelled to do them.
Action Steps:
Acknowledge their struggle and ask if they would like help or if they prefer some space.
If they want help, see if you can help them through a distraction or see if they are willing to delay the ritual, even if it’s just for a few moments. For more tips on reducing compulsions, read here.
If you are having difficulty with your emotions, it’s ok to remove yourself from the situation.
Remember: It’s not your responsibility to stop their compulsions.
Don’t Accommodate or Enable Your Loved One with OCD
Loved ones often feel the need to make changes in their own behavior to accommodate the person with OCD.
You don’t want to see them in pain and so you want to do what you can to make them feel better. Or perhaps they are insisting on you reassuring them and feel you need to.
Although you may not agree or want to do these things, it can make you feel trapped.
If you experience these feelings, then you may be unintentionally feeding your loved one’s OCD by making accommodations for them. This occurs in nearly every family when someone has OCD.
Accommodating behaviors are normal. So don’t beat yourself up.
However, recognize that this is only feeding your loved one’s OCD and not actually helping in the long-run.
This is the part of the OCD cycle that you can ACTUALLY control.
Action Steps:
You have the right to say no when they ask you to do something (like change your clothes or give them reassurance).
Removing every and all accommodations at once is unrealistic and likely going to be unhelpful. Learn more about handling family accommodation here.
It’s important to be intentional, have a plan, and work towards it over time. It won’t happen overnight.
You Don't Need to Fix Your Loved One’s OCD
You might want to swoop in and solve everything, but sometimes, that's not what they need.
Remind them that what they're going through sounds incredibly challenging. Acknowledge their courage and resilience in living with OCD.
People with OCD need to know they're not alone on this path, and your validation can be their lifeline.
Action Steps:
NEVER force your loved one to face their fear or do an exposure. Instead, encourage them, but let them decide their boundaries and pace.
Remember, it's essential to validate their feelings rather than trying to fix everything.
It’s ok to admit to them “ I wish I had the answers” or “I wish I could take this pain away from you.”
This allows your loved one to feel heard without you having to provide a solution.
OCD Recovery Is a Lifelong Journey
Recovery from OCD is not linear. There may be times that your loved one is doing really well but then they have a setback. It’s important to expect a setback and encourage your loved one to get back on track.
A setback is not the end of the world. If they have been through treatment and had good progress, they will be able to regain that progress again. No knowledge has been lost. Check out this article for more helpful information on handling setbacks.
Action Steps:
Do not be panicked or upset with your loved one. It will not help your loved one if you start to freak out. Stay calm and express confidence in them that they know exactly what they need to do to get back on their feet
Remind them of the things that were helping them before whether that was medication, therapy, exposures, etc.
Ask them if there is anything that you can do to help them feel less overwhelmed with getting back on track with their treatment plan. Perhaps a few sessions with their previous therapist as a refresher will be useful.
Avoiding Caregiver Burnout
Make sure you are not forgetting about your own needs during this time. Remember what the flight attendants say at the start of an airplane ride, they say to put on your mask before you help other people.
Why do they say this? It's because if you are not taking care of yourself you will not have the strength, energy, or skills to be able to help somebody else. You will end up burning out before you can be helpful.
Action Steps:
Have activities and hobbies that you are engaging in
Seek your own therapy
Be sure you are taking your medications (if applicable)
Be sure you are taking care of yourself by eating and sleeping well
Conclusion
Remember that OCD is lifelong. It’s not your job to solve it for your loved one. But you play a critical role in your loved one’s recovery. If your loved one is in need of treatment, be sure they are working with a therapist that specializes in treating OCD using effective and evidence-based treatments available for OCD (such as ERP or ICBT).
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